For overachievers, the world is a tough, cruel place. No matter where we look, we’re either surrounded by strangers who are miraculously less competent and more annoying than we are, or by super geniuses who are trying to steal our thunder. We constantly suppress the urge to brag about our accomplishments out of respect for other people’s “feelings” when all we want to do is tell you (and probably everybody around you) what you’re doing wrong, regardless of what it is. So, if you relate to any of these, please share in my misery of being ever so perfect in a not so perfect world.
- Your superlative in high school was “Teacher’s Pet.”
- And you still brag about it to this day.
- You make a minimum of twenty-five lists per day, ranging from “To Do” to “Potential Formal Dates Ranked By Whose Last Name I Want Most.”
- You’ve pulled more unnecessary all-nighters than there are empty beer cans in a frat house after welcome week.
- Your Adderall prescription is your one true love.
- Well, other than a tri-fold poster board.
- And your pink TI-84 Silver Edition Plus graphing calculator.
- “I really don’t care about [insert world problem here], but sure, I’ll be the president of the club to help combat it.”
- You’ve emailed a professor over the summer.
- As in, the summer before you started college.
- Some say they’ve seen smoke come out of your ears when you need to change or cancel an event in your planner.
- But only after you stand up in the middle of a silent library and scream, “THROW ME ALL THE WHITE OUT.”
- What’s “procrastination”?
- Words like “Venn diagram” and “bar chart” are your version of dirty talk.
- Making smart art graphics in PowerPoint is more therapeutic to you than the overpriced hag of a shrink you currently see.
- You cried and went to the dean when your freshman year history professor gave you a B- on your end of term paper.
- It’s rumored he now resides in a North Korean labor camp.
- Your definition of being a “badass bitch” means stretching the margins to .8 inches on a Word document so you can bypass the page limit. Fuck yeah.
- *opens window and sings out to the world* I LOVE ALPHABETIZINGGGGGG!!!
- Your last Instagram post was a photo of ten highlighters in circle formation around your monogrammed pencil case.
- In rainbow order, obviously.
- Not making a color-coded study guide bigger than the textbook? I’d rather shoot myself in the face.
- Coffee/5-Hour Energy/Adderall/cocaine…meh, they’re all the same.
- The feeling of crossing items off your to do lists is so good, it rivals your last orgasm.
- Or five.
- Combined.
- Your tombstone will read, “Walked into The Container Store. Died of Pure Joy. Literally Couldn’t Even.”.
Nice Move467
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Drunk but not in love
(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com
@DrunkNOTinLove
