28 Better Ways To Spend Your Money Than On The Lilly Sale

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If you haven’t already heard, the Lilly sale started this morning at 8 a.m. sharp. You probably spent the first 10 minutes greedily throwing everything into your tote, then had a change of heart upon seeing the grand total. Then you weren’t able to check out after the site inevitably crashed again and again as you cursed the heavens and your roommates cursed you for screaming obscenities so early in the morning.

Whether or not you took the pink and green plunge, here are 28 better things you could have spent your money on than even more cocktail dresses you’ll find casual excuses to wear.

  1. An actual ticket to Palm Beach so you can live the dream instead of faking it.
  2. Pennies for thoughts.
  3. A gym membership instead of hiding the winter weight with caftans.
  4. A deal with Satan so that it actually is resort weather all year round.
  5. Seasonally appropriate clothes that are all on deep clearance right now.
  6. Starbucks to satiate your constantly needy inner stereotype.
  7. Crafting supplies to quench your #thirst.
  8. Food for the week because it’s an unfortunate necessity.
  9. More boxed wine. Always more wine.
  10. Your cracked phone screen, which was a result of you hurling it against a fraternity wall. The fraternity or for what reason is irrelevant.
  11. A zoo trip, so you can see animals instead of wear them.
  12. A rousing concoction of amphetamines and sedatives.
  13. A life coach. Or happy hour rounds. Same thing.
  14. Wheat bread, because it’s as comforting as that shift you originally had in your tote.
  15. A pool boy to really get you in a sunny state of mind.
  16. Freshly squeezed orange juice. And vodka. It’s what (the original) Lilly would have wanted.
  17. Sparkly, pretty things. Anything to distract you from the fleeting moments of reality.
  18. One of those cool picnic baskets that comes with a cheeseboard and wine glasses already in it. Who knows if you’ll ever use it, but they look quaint AF.
  19. Empathy.
  20. Enough Trader Joe’s apple cinnamon oatmeal packets to last you the semester.
  21. A monogram machine to mark your prey.
  22. Someone to take outfit photos for your blog so you don’t force your boyfriend to, thereby avoiding the subsequent breakup.
  23. A private investigator to see what your ex is doing after you asked him to take outfit photos for your blog.
  24. Penicillin after the private investigator tells you what he’s been doing.
  25. Silkworms to spin your own damn maxi dress.
  26. Hope.
  27. Teacup piglets.
  28. Rehab.

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To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough." Writer living in NYC.

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