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28 Reasons I Unfollowed You On Facebook

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  1. You have made one or more posts that started with “I am SO excited to announce…”
  2. You replaced pressing the “like” button with pressing the “share” button, as if any of us give a shit about that cinnamon pretzel bites recipe that you’re never going to make.
  3. You got engaged.
  4. Your friend got engaged, and you’re a bridesmaid.
  5. You posted a furious status about the whole Gorilla ordeal, despite the fact that you make zero alternative attempts to be environmentally conscious.
  6. Your entire profile is basically just humblebrag city.
  7. You haven’t uploaded any pictures of you sober since high school, and it shows.
  8. You won’t stop with the selfies.
  9. Your profile picture depicts you eating a doughnut, riding a giant inflatable swan, or playing with a puppy that doesn’t belong to you.
  10. You often post sappy posts dedicated to relatives who don’t even have Facebook.
  11. Your boyfriend is too good-looking.
  12. You pretend to be upset when a celebrity dies, even when you don’t really have a clue who they were or what they did.
  13. You post Snapchats that you already sent me.
  14. You post Snapchats that you already added to your story.
  15. Just don’t post Snapchats, okay?
  16. You treat Facebook as an emotional outlet, and none of your friends have the balls to tell you to just buy a diary already.
  17. You’re easily offended.
  18. You have a history of concluding long posts with “Rant over.”
  19. You’re really artsy, and it makes me feel bad about myself.
  20. Your PDA posts are really unnecessary and need to return to where they belong, AKA, the seventh grade.
  21. You very clearly think you’re about four times cooler than you actually are.
  22. You post pictures of your workouts.
  23. You pour your heart out with a picture collage every time someone you knows has a birthday.
  24. You posted a throwback of a beach with the caption, “Take me back.”
  25. I hate to tell you, but your dog just isn’t that cute.
  26. You have a kid, and for some reason think that we want to see pictures of it all day, every day.
  27. You have too many feelings.
  28. I just don’t really like you, but I also don’t hate you enough to blatantly unfriend you.
Nice Move221
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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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