28 Reasons You Should Never Leave The House Without Wearing Makeup


“Makeup is the love of my life. She’s my best girlfriend. She’s my soul mate, ‘cause, you know, she makes me feel better than anything.”

Okay, that might have been Nicky’s speech about heroin from “Orange is the New Black,” but makeup has the same kind of hold on me, and I know I’m not alone. It might be ridiculous, but even still, there are some damn good reasons for girls to never leave the house without wearing makeup.

  1. You could see your ex while you’re out, and you want to ensure his continued regret for leaving you.
  2. You might meet Ryan Gosling. What if he’s all, “Hey, girl, I really like that eyeshadow. Can I put a baby in you?”
  3. You know you’re just going to the gym, but what if that hot athletic trainer is giving out free sessions? In times like these, just ask yourself WWJSD–what would Jen Selter do?
  4. If you’re going shopping, you obviously need to make sure that your daily makeup will work well with any new outfits.
  5. What if a good selfie opportunity comes up? Instagram only has so many filters to offer. It can’t hide everything.
  6. Contouring your face just shaves the pounds right off. You’ll never have to run again!
  7. You can’t let people see that pimple.
  8. Gracing others with your prettiest face is kind of like doing community service, right?
  9. How will people know you have eyelashes without mascara?
  10. Or cute, rosy cheeks without blush?
  11. Or kissable lips without plumper?
  12. How will your eye color stand out like on those commercials without the proper shade of eyeshadow?
  13. Those bags cannot be seen. By anyone.
  14. You just look so much tanner with bronzer.
  15. People will think you’re sick if you’re not wearing makeup.
  16. Those wrinkles aren’t going to stay away forever if you don’t use that anti-aging foundation your mom told you about. If Ellen wears it, then you should, too.
  17. Finding the perfect nude look is basically like not wearing makeup, right?
  18. If confidence is your best accessory, you’re really piling it up–not just concealer.
  19. What if he wants to have missionary sex? (It’s unlikely, but possible.) He’ll be staring directly at your face.
  20. Eyeliner gives you wings. Literally.
  21. If you don’t wear makeup, you’ll be tempted to skip washing your face tonight, and that’s bad for you.
  22. You just cleaned all your makeup brushes, and you don’t want that effort to go to waste.
  23. You need to at least look awake for class.
  24. Even the girls in prison wear makeup.
  25. There’s really nothing better than perfectly shaped eyebrows.
  26. With enough practice, you could turn your obsession into a full-time job during formal season.
  27. The “natural” look in magazines isn’t really what natural looks like–it’s scary.
  28. But really though, you just want to wear makeup, so everyone should back off.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to

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