1. There are more liquor stores than grocery stores.
2. That number is less than 10.
3. You have to drive at least 30 minutes to go to a Target.
4. When you do go to Walmart, you count the number of mullets and the kids you see barefoot.
5. Your town decreases by at least half during the summer.
6. Your school is the only reason your college town even exists.
7. Well, that and the meth dealers.
8. Everyone knows small towns have the best hole-in-the-wall restaurants. You will never go hungry during a hangover.
9. There is literally nothing to do but drink after class–or even during class.
10. The fast food restaurants close at 2 a.m. If you’re hungry after that, you’re screwed.
11. Everyone knows everything about everyone.
12. You will be seen day drinking at fraternity houses. Trust me, do it anyway, that’s how you get asked to formals.
13. Cops will know you by name and Greek house.
14. You can often bribe cops with beer if you get caught drinking underage.
15. A pub crawl will consist of less than six bars, and that’s okay because you would probably die if it lasted any longer.
16. You will run into your ex everywhere you go. Do not make a scene.
17. You will know someone in every one of your classes. Your professors will also know when you miss class, and they will call you out about it.
18. You can T.P. fraternity houses and the cops will help you out, not get you in trouble, because they understand tradition.
19. You will drink and party with at least several professors from your college.
20. There are a lot less people, so Greek politics are taken pretty seriously.
21. You will show up still drunk to a diner filled with people who just attended church, and that’s okay.
22. You will likely date someone who has a gun in the back of his pickup at all times. This is normal, not scary, to you.
23. Bonfires are the shit. Just keep a role of toilet paper in your car.
24. Country cruising is okay, just know the consequences and don’t drive drunk.
25. There is a 99 percent chance your neighbors are meth dealers. Don’t talk to them.
26. Your Greek adviser will confront you about a Pahellenic issue at the bar. Leave immediately.
27. You don’t have a mall or your mall is so pathetic you would never shop there unless it’s an emergency.
28. You wouldn’t change this experience for anything.