If you have a dog, your dog is your person. Your dog is there for you when no one else is. Your dog cuddles with you, sleeps with you, plays with you, and normally it’s a pretty happy arrangement. But your dog has a secret — he hates when you come home drunk. You aren’t there to fall asleep next to him, you wake him up, you bring friends over without his permission, and you aren’t happy the next morning. As much as you enjoy going out and slamming back a few too many vodka tonics, your dog would much rather have you home at a decent hour, rubbing his belly and watching Animal Planet. Here’s a rundown of every annoyed thought your dog has when you come home drunk.
- *struggles trying to unlock the door*
Ugh, this bitch. I thought she would go to her ex’s tonight so I could have the whole bed to myself.
- “Hiiiiiiiiiii Oliverrrrr, how’s my baby boy doing?!”
Not great now that you’ve woken me up with your grand drunken entrance.
- *strangles dog with love*
You smell like Fireball, smoke, and bad decisions. I’m a dog and I smell better than you right now.
- “Love meeeee!!”
I would, but I think someone already has tonight, judging by the smeared lipstick all over your face.
- “Come here and meet my friends!”
You brought company over? We never talked about this! It’s like you don’t even consider my feelings.
- Your big, little, twin, her boyfriend, and his friend: “AWWWWW!”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I’m fucking adorable. Now go away. I’m tired.
- “He’s so cute! Come here, boy!”
Are we really doing this? Ugh. Fine. I better get a belly rub out of this.
- *five pairs of hands pet him*
Oh yeah. This is nice.
- “Let’s show off your tricks, Oliver!”
Now you’re going to pimp me out for treats? I see how it is.
- “You want a treat? Sit.”
Hell yeah, this one is so easy.
- *crowd erupts in applause*
Alright, I got what I came for, now I’m going back to bed.
- “Awwww, come back, boy! He’s probably tired.”
You would be too if you spent all day digging holes in the backyard.
- “Do you want a fry, Oliver? Roll over.”
Damn it, you know fries are my weakness. Fine, just one more trick.
- “No more, the rest are for me. Too much of this will make you sick.”
After the amount of alcohol you’ve put in your body tonight, you’re probably going to be the one getting sick.
- *continues drinking and laughing until 3:30 a.m.*
It’s not going to be so funny when I wake you up at 7 a.m. tomorrow.
- *falls into bed at 3:45 a.m.*
Finally, some peace and quiet.
- *texting ex-boyfriend* “Why doesn’t he love me the way you do?”
Because you’re clingy, you’re jealous, and you don’t understand boundaries. That’s why.
- “You know what? Fuck him. I don’t need a boyfriend. I have you.”
You need to get laid.
Now I feel bad. Here, let me lick the tears off your face. Mmm, salty.
- 4:02 a.m.: “Fuuuuuck I’m gonna puke.”
Awww man, not in the toilet. I drink out of there.
- *puking violently*
I’m not going to say you deserve it, because I can’t speak, but you deserve it.
- “I’m so glad I have you here with me, Oliver. You’re the best dog ever.”
You’re okay, I guess.
- *falls asleep next to the toilet*
Yes! I get the whole bed to myself.
- 7:20 a.m.: *still PTFO*
TIME TO WAKE UP AND PLAY!!
- “I can’t take you out right now, Oliver. Mommy’s dying.”
Now who’s fault is that, huh?
- “Leave me alone.”
You didn’t leave me alone last night so I’m not going to leave you alone now. I want to go outside and you’re going to take me!
- “IT’S 7 A.M. WHY ARE YOU BARKING RIGHT NOW?!”
BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO PISS ON YOUR CARPET.
- “Ughhhhhhh fine. Let’s go.”
I love you, you crazy bitch..