29 Penis Facts That You Need To Know Right Freaking Now

Penis. Schlong. Dick. Pork sword. The male genitals are a source of great confusion, mystery, and intrigue. Like a unicorn, or deformed deer, the trouser snake has been and continues to be one of the most talked about, coveted, and joked about things in a college girl’s life. As a voice of today’s generation, I took it upon myself to search long and hard (LOL) to find the most interesting, disturbing, fascinating, need-to-know, and wish-you-didn’t-know facts about the male reproductive organ, because America.

A teaspoon of semen only has seven calories.
But let’s be real, it technically has zero since you’ll either spit it out, throw it up, or avoid it altogether.
But if you do swallow, just know that red meat, dairy, and asparagus cause the worst tasting salty spray.
Then it really, really sucks to suck.
The word “penis” comes from the Latin word meaning “tail.”
Just in case guys didn’t weird you out enough, it turns out they have tails. Kind of makes sense.
Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself a blowie.
But 100 percent of men have tried.
The average penis size is about the length of a dollar bill.
But if you’re in a situation where you’re handling both a penis and money at the same time, you might want to reevaluate a few things.
A guy has about eleven erections a day.
Which explains, well, everything.
And about nine of those happen at night.
Which is why something is ALWAYS poking you in your sleep.
Men actually need to ejaculate to remain “healthy.”
A fact that will obviously be used against us every time we aren’t in the mood.
According to every guy everywhere, the underside of the penis head is the most sensitive spot.
This information could really “come in handy.” (*Writer’s note: Can’t stop, won’t stop with the penis puns.)
There are at least forty-two different types of bacteria that live on the pork sword.
No bath, no ass, guys. For real.
Only five percent of men wear condoms during sex.
And almost zero percent of them are in fraternities (made that last bit up, but it sounds about right).
Graham crackers were originally developed to curb masturbation because they thought eating would take blood away from the penis. You know, science.
It’s delicious, and it makes no sense — I’ll take it.
The penis stops growing once a guy is in his early twenties.
This is as good as it’s going to get for the guys we like. May the size odds be ever in your favor.
Only six percent of the world’s male population need extra large condoms.
Your gold wrapper isn’t fooling anyone.
“Blue balls” is actually a thing.
But nothing a little rub and tug (or aspirin) can’t take care of. So calm down guys. You aren’t fucking dying.
You literally can’t tell how big it will be when it’s flaccid.
That grower could have a lot of potential. Don’t judge a penis before it’s erect ladies. That’s just common courtesy.
The male orgasm lasts about six seconds, whereas the female orgasm lasts about twenty-three seconds.
Not trying to brag or anything…
There’s a fish with a penis on it’s head called the Phallostethus Cuulong.
None of the other fish will let it sit with them. #AndNoneForPhallostethusCuulongBye
Dicks take on the shape of a boomerang when doing the ol’ missionary position.
Because it always comes back…get it?
The penis can actually shrink if it isn’t used enough.
This sounds like something a guy would make up. Fact check?
Jizz squirts out of the body at about twenty-eight miles per hour.
Because yes, someone actually decided to calculate that.
And the record for the furthest ejaculation is eighteen feet.
This is a known fact because guys are completely disgusting.
Scientists speculate that the head of the penis is shaped like a mushroom to “scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.”
Just in case you didn’t feel like enough of a whore already.
You can “break” a penis by twisting it violently while it’s erect.
Just an FYI for you and your ex-boyfriend.
Men don’t need a brain to ejaculate (because the order comes from the spinal cord).
Which makes sense because most guys seem to be missing a lot of brain functions.
The biggest human penis is 13.5 inches long.
Which proves that there can be way, way too much of a good thing.
Ejaculation doesn’t always mean orgasm.
Because things weren’t confusing enough already.
Sex lasts about seven minutes on average.
And despite what people say, very few couples actually want to go all night. There are more important things, like Netflix.
Jizz contains oxytocin, which elevates your mood and makes you less bitchy.
Basically, semen contains antidepressants. Antidepressants make you happy. Happy people don’t just act like bitches. They just don’t..