Columns

29 Things You Will Absolutely See Your First Week At School

Screen Shot 2014-08-18 at 9.54.41 AM

Well friends, after months of day drinking, passing out on the beach, chasing boys, and making bad decisions, the summer is coming to a close. Whether you just graduated high school and are entering college as a fresh piece of meat (don’t worry, they don’t actually call you that–to your face, at least) or you’re a fifth year senior doing a victory lap and taking classes like yoga and underwater basket weaving so you can avoid graduating, you’re faced with the sad, inevitable truth: school’s back.

It’s not that we don’t like school. Asher Roth spoke the truth in his piece of musical genius, “I Love College.” Because yeah, college is the shit. You get to sleep as late as you want, drink as much as you want, and make all kinds of wonderful (and sometimes horrible) decisions. The only downside is the whole learning thing, but I guess it helps you in the future or something. Whatever. But no matter what university you attend or where you are in the hierarchy of college life, there are some similarities we will all see as we start the 2014 school year. Hopefully, in this, you will feel less alone and more accepting of that fact that you need to remember your student ID number. Damn it.

  1. Freshmen walking five feet in front of their parents who, are oozing with pride.
  2. Way too many fresh out of high school couples hitting up the dining hall and feeling confident that, despite the odds, their relationship is going to work.
  3. Way too many upperclassmen looking at these baby couples and laughing because, like, yeah, we were going to marry our high school boyfriends, too, sweetie.
  4. Cargo pants.
  5. New sorority members proudly bringing their shitty Bid Day tote bag to all of the classes they’re inevitable going to skip once they understand what social season is like.
  6. New sorority members putting every single required (and recommended book) in their new Bid Day bag, despite the fact that they will literally only use the book as a tray to put their pizza rolls on when watching “Law and Order: SVU” in their twin extra-long.
  7. More people than it’s legally allowed in the gym, because everyone is totally going to be healthy this year.
  8. High school “Sen1o4” shirts from freshmen who just can’t let go.
  9. Freshmen boys who have never seen a bench press in their lives.
  10. Upperclass guys who are so steroided out that they look like they’re going to bend the bar in half, then cry over the fact that they no longer have a penis.
  11. Freshmen dressing in business casual the first week of class.
  12. Seniors not attending the first week of class.
  13. And when they do come on campus to go to Starbucks, they’re in sweatpants.
  14. Kids doing the “oh my goodness, I got a text,” or “wow, look at the time” thing when they realize they’re going the wrong way and do a swift turn around.
  15. Resident assistants and orientation team members being staked out on campus, hating the fact that they have to talk to lost, freaking-out freshmen to plump up their résumés. It’s called “look at a map, kids.”
  16. Lanyards around freshmen necks.
  17. Parking spaces? Yeah, you won’t find any of those this week. Avoid the stress and just don’t go to campus. Like, at all.
  18. Half of the new member class basically living at the house to ensure that they will become oh so popular.
  19. The other half of the new member class completely avoiding the house to ensure that they will become the girls whose names you can never quite remember.
  20. Upperclassmen saying something along the lines of, “Back when I was a freshman…”
  21. Freshmen wearing heels to bars that smell like vomit and have a constant layer of sticky, dried beer on the never-been-mopped floors.
  22. Girls who didn’t get the memo that dressing like a slut to class isn’t the way to win over the professor.
  23. Unless they’re trying to get under the professor.
  24. But we’ve all been there. It’s basically impossible. Give it up, amateurs.
  25. A freshman boy trying to hit on a senior girl, because that’s obviously going to end well.
  26. Someone awkwardly walking out of a class five minutes after it starts because he or she’s either in the wrong class or already gave up on succeeding in the course.
  27. Tables set up around campus with try-hards trying to get you to join their clubs. Like, no, I don’t want to join “Juggling On Campus With No Friends,” but thanks for asking.
  28. Freshmen filled with a new sense of purpose and potential, and seniors filled with an urgent sense to slow down time and appreciate the last of many things they have grown to love. At the end of the day–and the end of summer–college isn’t a place we dread going to, but a safe haven from the big, bad real world. Welcome back to school, kids. It’s going to be a hell of a year.
  29. Because do yo know what? We all fucking love college.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

0 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More