3 No’s That Mean Yes…To Him.

Ok, so this goes without saying, but I’m going to continuously say it anyway. You’re gorgeous. It’s a gift and a curse really, but mostly just a gift. You’ve probably noticed by this point that when graced with a little liquid confidence boys who are, how shall I put this…ugly, or somehow otherwise below your standards, think it’s ok to talk to you during a night out. Not that it’s all about looks (because it’s also about money, status, confidence, and somewhere down the line, his personality) but it takes you only about 25 seconds to figure out when you are not interested in a guy. I know we’ve all had plenty of practice, and you may think turning a guy down is easy, but it’s not. Your dirty look accompanied by a swift “no thanks pal” is probably going to come off as incredibly rude, and you never know who’s around. We’re also eternally plagued by the fact that creepers are getting creepier these days. I’m sure you think you have it figured out, but I’d like to give you some examples of what’s a seemingly good, but actually really bad idea.

The “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.”

My first problem with this is that it just sounds like bullshit, because so often, it is. Really? You have a boyfriend? Well, where the hell is he? Personally, the last time I was afflicted with monogamy it was long-distance (dumbest decision ever), and once you mention that, it completely erases the fact that you just said you were in a relationship. Even if you do have a boyfriend on campus somewhere, most guys still have the mindset that just because there’s a goalie, doesn’t mean they can’t score, so it’s really just a bad excuse. Not to mention the humiliation that comes with the ol’ boyfriend line when he replies, “Chill out. I just asked if you wanted to be my beer pong partner. You’re in a group of 3.” That’s embarrassing. Even though we all know that if you play beer pong with a handsome stranger (or a handsome acquaintance), you almost undoubtedly WILL be making out with him that night, hearing any variation of “I wasn’t actually hitting on you” takes your ego down a couple of notches whether it’s true or not.

The “I have to pee, I’ll be right back.”

This is the most commonly over-used cliché out there for trying to tell a guy you’re not interested, and frankly, I’m really over it. Hello. You’re going to come out of the bathroom eventually, and it’s really not that complicated to find a guy waiting in the exact spot you left him. I know it, you know it, he knows it. Not cool. Besides, if you run into him again later in the night, you’ve made it even more difficult for yourself to shake him. “Oh, I couldn’t find you again after.” Well, his creeper thoughts and actions now say that he’s not going to let you out of his sight a second time. You’re doomed. Not to mention that if people keep using this excuse, what happens when you’re with Mr. Wonderful and you actually have to pee (and after 5 cranberry vodkas, you’re going to need to at some point). I say we all nix this as an excuse, so when this problem presents itself, you can excuse yourself, and the love of your life (for this week) won’t get the wrong idea.

The, pretend to not notice him until he leaves.

Do you want to be a really big asshole? This is a good way to do it. Sorority girls have enough of a reputation of being huge bitches when we aren’t, so actually being huge bitches doesn’t help our cause. You can’t just ignore someone who is trying to talk to you. I realize that at the time it really seems like a good idea to just give him one word answers until he goes away, but I hate to break it to you…that’s really not ok. It took a lot of courage for Shrek to approach someone like you, and ogres have feelings too. It’s also probably a really bad idea to ask him bitchy questions until he leaves. I would try to avoid “How tall are you?” to a short guy. I’m only 5-foot-one so short guys flock to me, and they tend not to like it when you point out their vertical impairment. “Who’s your friend?” is probably also not the first question they’ll want to answer. Besides, the success rate with this tactic is only about 50%, because they either get really really mad, or they’re happy to be a good wingman, but the success rate with anyone else in the whole bar is way higher. Above all, PLEASE do not ask the question that’s bubbling at your lips: “Why are you talking to me?” I’ve seen it done, and it’s possible that I’ve done it, though I can’t say with conviction. If you don’t feel like a terrible person after saying something like that, there’s a special place in hell for you, where everything is beige, they cut your hair at the door, and the wine is plentiful but just out of reach.

So sorry that I just shot down all of your tried and true methods of telling a guy you’re out of his league, and if you don’t mind being dubbed as an ice queen, or somehow otherwise implying that no means yes, then please, proceed. Otherwise, it’s time you found the proper way to tell a guy to kindly fuck off.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]

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