For years, the martini has been the signature drink for the classiest of individuals, including alcohol-dependent debutantes and wealthy, middle-aged trophy wives who are prone to affairs. Personally, I don’t see the appeal. Recently, I had a moderately attractive hipster with a beard and too much hair gel presumptively buy me a vodka martini, and I just stood there like, “Seriously? You just watched me chug a Bud Light and wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my hoodie. Do I look like the kind of girl who drinks martinis?”
Regardless of my own personal immaturity, we can all agree that the martini deserves some credit. It has a high alcohol content and the fact that it comes with food is wonderful–those are two traits that I fully support in any and all beverages. It just so happens that today is National Martini Day, which is lucky for those of you who need more than just “it’s Thursday” as an excuse to get drunk tonight. In honor of this occasion, I have compiled a list of 30 possible things that you are saying about yourself when you set up shop at a bar with a martini in your hand.
1. I actually think this drink tastes like shit, but I’m delusional and drunk enough to think that if have enough of them, I might look really sophisticated.
2. I make enough money to afford really good gin, and I want everyone to recognize it.
3. I’m 70 years old and my children dissappoint me.
4. I’m trying to recover from the fact that no one wanted to take tequila shots with me.
5. I’m looking for my date, have you seen him? His name is Bond. James Bond.
6. I have zero idea what I’m drinking, but the taste of toxic lake water is alluring to me because I own three cats and fail to make relationships work.
7. My trust fund is dwindling and I’m a little bit nervous about it.
8. I ordered this appletini because It looks like a jolly rancher and I really like candy. But it tastes like Shrek’s piss, and now I hate myself.
9. I am very difficult to please, and I look for faults in everything and everyone.
10. In other words, I’m a raging bitch.
11. My friend is turning 21 tonight, and I’m not brave enough to be the only one in our party drinking whiskey.
12. This actually tastes good to me because I started drinking when I was 14.
13. I’m trying to get really fucked up, but I’m also a responsible, functioning adult. I think I found a solid middle ground here.
14. I’m just really hungry and this drink comes with an olive.
15. Sometimes I watch “Bridget Jones’s Diary” on repeat while I wallow in self-loathing and search Pinterest for the perfect wedding veil that I’ll never wear.
16. I had a really bad day, and my usual vodka cranberry isn’t strong enough.
17. I’m a successful adult. Okay, no I’m not. But I want you to think I am.
18. I’m probably going to smoke a cigarette in a minute. I’ll also probably tell everyone that I never smoke.
19. My high-paying job exhausts me.
20. The bartender is really cute and this drink takes a while to make. If I annoy him enough, maybe he’ll start to like me.
21. I haven’t eaten in eight days.
22. I have daddy issues, but I don’t want to talk about it really, really want to talk about it.
23. This dress isn’t slutty enough, but this martini totally conveys that I put out.
24. My ex just filed a restraining order against me. Let’s celebrate!
25. About 53 percent of what comes out of my mouth is a lie.
26. One time in college, I kissed one of my girlfriends on the mouth. Now I think I’m really hard.
27. I’m underage. This drink totally makes it look like I wasn’t rummaging through my parents’ liquor cabinet an hour ago.
28. I watch way too much “Sex and the City.”
29. I only talk to guys who wear expensive suits and objectify me.
30. I’m basically just like this drink. Bitter, dry, and ultimately self-destructive.
Image via Cosmopolitan
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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