Being a girl is hard work. We primp, pose, tuck, lift, highlight, and shave three times as much as the average gay man, and are expected to do it all with a chemically-whitened smile on our face. Do guys have to suffer the internal struggle of deciding to wax their arms or not? Dye their eyebrows or not? Make the choice between a landing strip or a trimmed triangle? THE ANSWER (hopefully) IS NO.

But after twenty-three years on this fine planet of ours, I’ve come to realize that the whole “throw my non-existent savings to the wind” deal isn’t the worst part of being a girl. Rather, it’s the thoughts that run through your head when your little monthly visitor is late—and your stricken with the fear of death that nine months from now, you could be the mother to someone. Just. Like. You.

1. YES, I’M PREGNANT! I CAN EAT ANYTHING I WANT!
2. I’m going to be the hottest, chicest, most stylish pregnant woman ever.
3. JK Blake Lively exists.
4. That ho.
5. Pause, what if I really am pregnant?
6. Double pause, will this get me the ring?
7. God I’m so fucked up for thinking that.
8. Whatever.
9. Hold up. I thought you couldn’t get pregnant from swallowing.
10. I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX THIS MONTH.
11. Good sex at least.
12. And everyone knows bad sex doesn’t make babies.
13. DUH, lol.
14. Fuck.
15. I should Google baby names just in case.
16. Why is “Sophia” on the top baby names for 2015? Who am I, a Farrah Abrams wannabe?
17. Goddammit I knew I should’ve taken Plan B.
18. Oh my God, what if the baby looks like him?
19. I cannot deal with my baby having a Tyra Banks five-head.
20. Is there even surgery to get rid of that?
21. If I get my period now, I will literally never ask for anything again in my life, ever.
22. I’m not even religious but dear lord Jesus please help me I’ll do anything.
23. I’ll stay abstinent until marriage.
24. I’ll preach the gospel.
25. I’ll start a luxury homeless shelter for abused labradoodles.
26. Maybe my period’s just stuck or something.
27. Are period-inducing rain dances a thing?
28. Because I’m about two seconds away from channeling my inner Pocahontas
29. WHY DON’T GUYS HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS?
30. I literally am never having sex. Ever. Again..

Nice Move527

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

• @DrunkNOTinLove