Boobs. What a love/hate relationship we have with them. Sometimes, they’re our partners in crime, helping us get free drinks, free cover, and free, well, a lot of stuff. Other times, they’re the source of complete aggravation. They make our clothes fit weird, make guys act like creeps, and make strapless bras impossible. Since I’ve taken it upon myself to educate the masses about the bodies that we are slowly destroying with alcohol and Taco Bell, I figured our twin girls might be the next best place to get our learn on. So, no matter where your relationship stands, as the old saying goes, “A boob is a boob, no matter how small.” Or something like that.

1. Women can orgasm from “nipple play” alone because science or whatever.
   So yes, we win at this whole getting off thing.
2. A study found that men who prefer large breasts are less financially secure.
   I ain’t saying he’s a gold digger — oh, wait. Yes I am. 
3. There are eight different types of nipples, ranging from “inverted” to “puffy.”
   Because we didn’t have enough to feel insecure about already.
4. The world’s largest natural breasts are said to be a 48V.
   Which would be like if you put a small house under your shirt and just lived life like that. 
5. Squeezing breasts may prevent cancer.
   A fact that will instantly turn every guy ever into a doctor.
   “Babe, it’s for your health.” 
6. The average erect nipple is the size of five stacked quarters.
   This will finally put your laundry money to good use.
7. Staring at boobs for a minute a day can extend a man’s life by five years.
   Pretty sure this fact was made up on the spot by a guy who was caught staring. 
8. In most women, the left breast is bigger than the right one.
   But every guy in America will want to be the judge of that.
9. Six percent of people have an extra nipple.
   Pics or it didn’t happen.
10. Girls look at boobs just as much as boys do.
    This doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants to have a threesome with the, though. Put your boners away, boys.
11. Seventy percent of women are unhappy with their breast size.
    And 100 percent of men don’t give a fuck, because they’re in the presence of human, female tits. 
12. Eighty-two percent of women say that boob play turns them on.
    And the other 18 percent are dating idiots. Get your groping together, guys.
13. Men have nipples because all fetuses start out as females.
    One of us! One of us!
14. After looking at breasts, men actually do worse on tests.
    I just ruined the “before an exam” quickie for every guy in America. #SorryNotSorry
15. Human breast milk is sweeter than cow milk.
    Just in case you hadn’t wanted to vomit yet today.
16. It’s legal for women to walk around showing off their breasts in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York, and Maine.
    And suddenly all of our boyfriends are dying to visit Ohio.
17. Breasts swell up and get aroused, just like a penis.
    And in turn, the penis swells up and gets aroused because of the breast. It’s like the circle of life, only less majestic and more sticky. 
18. According to some experts, “boob” evolved from the Latin word “puppa” — meaning “little girl.”
    In case you didn’t already feel creepy enough.
19. In the fourteenth to eighteenth centuries, dresses were made so your entire boobs would hang out.
    As every guy on the internet instantly looks up Renaissance porn. 
20. Hungry men like bigger breasts.
    Yeah, they’re hungry alright. For a motorboat sandwich.
21. In Japan, people either tattoo or use makeup to make their nipples pink.
    Wait, what color are they supposed to be? Asking for a friend.
22. According to a study, only 20 percent of men look at your face when they meet you for the first time.
    The other 80 percent are ensuring the fact that they will never, ever sleep with you. Ever.
23. Girls know when their boyfriends are staring at another girl’s boobs.
    I can neither confirm nor deny if I made up this fact, but I’m sticking to it. 
24. A boob grab releases oxytocin, which is the same chemical released during hugs.
    But no, the grope is not the new hug. Don’t make #boobhug2015 a thing. 
25. The most sensitive part of a boob isn’t the nipple, it’s right above it.
    It’s directly above the areola at the intersection of “learn to foreplay and “get a fucking map.”
26. A 36C is the average breast size in America today.
    And everyone else just lies and adds a cup size, anyway.
27. Apparently, British women have the largest boobs in all of the land.
    This is why it should be illegal for boyfriends to study abroad.
28. There is a group called Go Topless that is actively trying to make it legal for all boobies to be free from clothing restraints.
    Finally, a women’s cause that all men will truly be passionate about. 
29. Two million women in the United States have breast implants.
    This, in turn, has made two million men in the United States much, much happier.
30. In China, you can get a degree in bra studies.
    And you thought your communications degree was a waste of money…
31. In Greek mythology, the universe was created when the god Zeus tricked his wife, Hera, into breastfeeding his half-human son Heracles. According to the legend, when Hera realized that the suckling infant was not her own, she pushed him away and the drops of spilled milk became the Milky Way galaxy.
    A Greek guy lying to get his way? What else is new?. 

This column was originally published on Total Frat Move.

[via Buzzfeed , Healthmeup.com , Alternet , Bustle , Listverse , Devinecaroline]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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