Facebook defines our lives in many ways. Our profiles show the world who we are, where we come from, and with whom we associate, and they’re all represented by the skinniest and best-lit photos we’ve ever taken. However, the number one way Facebook forces us to define ourselves is through a little thing that nerd Zuckerberg calls “the relationship status.”

Even though your Facebook relationship status is intended to be a reflection of your real life relationship status, chances are, it’s not in the slightest. We all know the girls whose “single” status can be read as “mingling with anything with a pulse,” and we sure as hell know the ones whose “in a relationship” status is really just code for “I made him do this because I’m a controlling psycho.” People lie about things on the internet all the time–and this is usually one of the things they lie about.

If you want to know what a real relationship status looks like, I’m going to save you creepers an “ask,” because here they are:

1. “Just talking” to:
2. Leaving drunk voicemails for:
3. Fixing my hair in a Snapchat for:
4. Trying to prove my existence to:
5. Exhibiting psychotic tendencies because of:
6. Not so secretly in love with:
7. Engaged to (even though he doesn’t know it yet):
8. Going over to “watch a movie” with:
9. Friend zoning:
10. Receiving way too many Instagram likes from:
11. Getting sent to standards for PDA’ing with:
12. Being booty called by:
13. Booty calling:
14. Taking Plan B because of:
15. Sleeping with but not talking to:
16. Wondering WTF we are with:
17. Getting drinks paid for by:
18. Exclusive with:
19. Subtweeting:
20. Trying to detox from:
21. Flirting with because I need a date to formal:
22. In a love triangle with:
23. Brokenhearted because of:
24. On-again, off-again with:
25. Texting but not actually doing anything with:
26. Giving but never receiving oral from:
27. Tinder messaging with:
28. Slaving my life away by painting this damn cooler because of:
29. Having insane sexual tension with:
30. Stealing shacker shirt after shacker shirt from:
31. “I just can’t” with:

Nice Move569

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

• @DrunkNOTinLove