I’ll be the first to admit it: I don’t know shit about football. I’m not a die-hard Patriots fan, or even a bandwagon one at that. I didn’t post a Facebook status proclaiming “We did it!” last Sunday night, because truth be told, “we” didn’t do anything. In fact, I didn’t really even watch the game all that closely. For me, the best part about the Super Bowl was the Nationwide commercial that taught me never to bathe my children — and also the buffalo chicken dip. I learned that the Patriots and the Seahawks were playing in the Super Bowl about thirty minutes into the game when I glanced up from my phone, asked “Who’s playing, again?” and reminded my boyfriend to tell me when the puppy commercial came on. Like I said, I don’t really care about football. But that doesn’t mean I can’t care about the players. Because I do. I care about one in particular a whole helluva lot. Some might even venture to say that I love him — and those some people would be right. You know why? Because Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski is the most perfect human to ever walk God’s green earth.
- He doesn’t take himself seriously. Like, at all.
I think GRONK is enjoying the Pats parade, yeah? @universalhub @Deadspin pic.twitter.com/PWw7TUZoab— Brad of the Almanac (@bradleysalmanac) February 4, 2015
- Would someone who took himself seriously wear a Minion hat? No. No, he wouldn’t.
- Basically, Gronk’s just an all-around fun guy.
- And he loooooooooves alcohol.
- Like, a lot.
- Basically, the two of you could just be the drunken life of the party — which is all you’ve ever aspired to be, really.
- He’s apparently a genuinely nice guy.
- One who gives back to the community.
- And coaches young kids.
Had a great time with the Somerville pop warner organization tonight! Enjoy the equipment and keep working hard! pic.twitter.com/dRMBW3oliw
— Rob Gronkowski (@RobGronkowski) September 16, 2014
- And shaves his head for kids with cancer.
— Rob Gronkowski (@RobGronkowski) June 8, 2014
- Basically, he’s just a god. A god with a freaking sick, sick body.
- Really though, he’s cute AND nice? Swoon.
- He’s apparently pretty easygoing.
- This means that he would put up with your shit.
- Because let’s be real, you need someone who won’t bitch every time you put on a Real Housewives marathon.
- He enjoys erotic novels.
- Or, at the very least, he sees the humor in them.
- He’s a family man.
- Seriously. Just insert yourself in this photo and you’ve got the most American Christmas card ever.
Happy Father's Day! pic.twitter.com/AiftQLDGMj
— Rob Gronkowski (@RobGronkowski) June 15, 2014
- Ugh. He’s perfect.
- Also, he’s friends with Tom Brady.
- So, like, he could totally arrange a couples’ trip with Gisele.
- Just make sure you go skiing or something. No beaches, thankyouverymuch.
- Your future kids would be super athletic, which would be great because they’re sure as shit not getting that from you.
- An hour of sex with him would be a workout in and of itself. Goodbye, gym. Hello, orgasm.
- He loves his mom. Like, he loves her so much that he even brought her as his plus one to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live.
- Those moves.
- The two of you would just kill it on the dance floor.
- Really though. He’s just so funny and awkward.
- He’s like a big, muscular, drunk teddy bear.
- And we love him for it..