31 Thoughts You Have While Negotiating Your Grade


  1. Shit, why am I doing this again?
  2. Oh right, because I can’t afford a sixth year here.
  3. What outfit is most appropriate for bribing a professor?
  4. I don’t wanna look like a try-hard.
  5. But I don’t think my shack shirts and sunglasses are making the best impression on this prof.
  6. Is it bad if I walk in with Starbs?
  7. Should I bring him Starbs too or is that too kiss-ass?
  8. Do professors even drink coffee or do they just pop lots of Adderall?
  9. I can’t believe this dude failed me.
  10. I went to class at least seven times and actively participated in all the discussions about marijuana legalization.
  11. He’s def just one of those anti-Greek Life haters.
  12. I knew I shouldn’t have worn letters every day.
  13. Or set Bid Day pics as my laptop wallpaper.
  14. If standards puts me on probation because of this…
  15. Except that’s not gonna happen because I’m going to calmly explain the situation to him.
  16. He’ll totes understand, professors were college kids too once right?
  17. Annndd he’s already giving me a death glare.
  18. Wish I brought my big for moral support.
  19. Or my entire pledge class.
  20. If only my studying skills were as good as my crafting skills.
  21. Or even my persuasion skills.
  22. Those somehow only kick in on Pref night or when I’m arguing with the bartender about how weak the vodka Redbulls are.
  23. Okay, time to bring on the waterworks.
  24. Please pity me, oh wise and scholarly one, for I am merely a product of my highly distracting social environment.
  25. Well, he clearly lacks any sympathy.
  26. Time to switch gears.
  27. Dear God, Standards, Ghost of Joan Rivers whoever’s up there and can hear me: I will never skip to dage again, I promise.
  28. Never again will I trade happy hour for study hours.
  29. OMG PLEASE this is my only chance to graduate in five years.
  30. D. Yup, I’ll take it. D’s get degrees.
  31. At least I fucking hope they do.

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Kristen Simonelli is a Monmouth University Student, Writer, Advocate, and Sorority Woman. As a frequently featured columnist on various contemporary online media platforms, Kristen's philosophy of raising awareness for neglected social issues is personified through her written work with the intention of cultivating a voice for individuals who are unable to speak up for themselves. Feedback and professional inquiries for Kristen may be fowarded to her directly via email at

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