Somewhere down the line, the ultimate threat to one’s life became dying alone. However, I’ve accepted my fate. Some may think I’m bitter, but I just think I’m looking at the bright side. Dying alone doesn’t have to be so bad, my friends.

1. You can sleep peacefully every night knowing you aren’t being cheated on.
2. You’re interior decor can continue to be as girly as you want, for as long as you want.
3. No one has to witness you age like milk.
4. Or see your once glorious boobs fall to your knees.
5. You don’t have to worry about seeing your man lose his toned physique to the grips of a beer belly.
6. Or, God forbid, see him balding.
7. The cats/dogs all know you reign supreme in the household.
8. Speaking of, you can bring home as many pets as you like.
9. The only underwear you have to worry about laundering are your own.
10. You don’t have to worry about carrying the burden of concealing the fact that girls don’t poop for the rest of your life.
11. Or ~fart.~
12. And yes, you do bleed out of your vagina a couple days out of the month.
13. You can spend $500 at Target without worrying about him seeing the transaction on the shared account.
14. If you don’t want to shave, let that jungle grow.
15. Oh darn, looks like you don’t have to give blow jobs either.
16. Dividing precious closet space in half sounds like a nightmare.
17. You’ll never feel like you settled.
18. The bed is all yours to sleep on diagonally.
19. Your bed head and morning breath is no longer viewed as an issue.
20. Ever heard the term “monster-in-law?” Not your problem.
21. And you never have to spend the holidays making awkward conversation with his distant cousins.
22. You can embrace the hot mess you are and not have to hide it.
23. Like eating nothing but cereal and microwave meals for four consecutive days.
24. Or depending on dry shampoo to look like a real human.
25. Your ring finger isn’t weighed down by an overpriced rock you have to guard at all times.
26. You know, like you could totally buy your own diamond ring.
27. You know your taste better than anyone else, anyways.
28. The songs made for single gals, a lá “Single Ladies,” are yours to treasure forever.
29. You can wear your ugly, yet comfy bra every day of you want.
30. I’ve heard it’s hard plotting out two tombstones next to each other.
31. There’s so much you could buy with the money you would’ve spent on a wedding.
32. You’ll finally have your The Bachelorette moment when you’re the only single lady at the retirement home..

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Rachel Page

Rachel enjoys spending her time thinking about Britney Spears, whining about being single, and thinking about Britney Spears. She doesn't take to criticism well, so be nice or so she will cry herself to sleep! Email: rpage@grandex.co

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