1. Find out if he likes blondes or brunettes.
2. Then become blonde or brunette depending on his preference.
3. Is he an ass guy or a tit guy?
4. Spend all of your student loan money to get the proper plastic surgery to please him.
5. Act dumb. I hear that’s really sexy.
6. Pretend to like sports!
7. Seriously. The more times you say “football” in a sentence, the more likely it is that he’ll love you. Trust me. It’s science.
8. And buy a jersey that you can wear around his place.
9. And long socks. What? Like you’re going to wear pants with it? Lol.
10. Never. Let. Him. See. You. Without. Makeup. On.
11. Honestly, you should consider getting your contour and eyeliner tattooed on at this point, just to be safe.
12. If you can’t afford laser hair removal surgery, you need to have a razor with you 24/7.
13. And if you ever let him feel stubble, you should just accept the fact that you’ll die alone.
14. Find out what his favorite music is.
15. Start listening to that music.
16. Find out when his favorite movie is.
17. Memorize the fuck out of that movie.
18. Find out his hobbies.
19. Let them become your hobbies.
20. Friend his mom on Facebook.
21. Become best friends with his mom.
22. Don’t talk about the dumb shit you like, like reality TV or equal pay.
23. Actually, just don’t talk too much at all.
24. Blow jobs. Lots and lots of blow jobs.
25. Buy some mystic crystals off of Etsy.
26. You know, ones that change gravity and make people love you or whatever.
27. Consider witchcraft.
28. Or voodoo.
29. And no. You’re not above animal sacrifices.
30. Or human ones. YOLO, right?
31. Drink his blood? It seems to work in all of the vampire movies.
32. You know what? Just get a vibrator. It’ll be easier..

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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