Sex stories are great. They’re steamy and hot and they let you fantasize about whichever Hemsworth brother you wish you were hooking up with instead of the asshole that is your boyfriend. But do you know what’s even better than sex stories? Sex stories that went horribly, terribly, hilariously wrong. In one of my favorite reddit posts of all time, people fess up and tell their sex horror stories. Read, laugh, and feel better about that time you accidentally fell off the bed and got a bloody nose mid-hook up. Nope? Just me? Cool.
From reddit (The following has been edited slightly for grammar.):
- Pop Rocks blowjob. Take my advice, don’t do it. It feels like your dick is navigating poorly through an asteroid field.
- Butt play with a vibrator that was too small. It got stuck up inside her. She had to sit on the stool, push like she going #2, and I had to use my fingers to pull it out.
- My mom was an ER nurse back in the ’80s. Every few weeks, the same guy would come in with his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner.
- My birthday was this last weekend. My wife of seven years finally said I could ram her bum. I was so excited I came in about ten seconds. She started laughing and said, “wrong hole”.
- Had a girlfriend who had a serious gag reflex and couldn’t stand anyone cumming in her mouth. But bless her heart she always wanted to try and make things work. So she says “tonight is the night” and starts going down on me. I come and at that moment I see “the look” on her face. She tried to swallow but half a second later she proceed to throw up violently all over me. I am sitting there covered nuts to face in a mix of puke and cum. We beelined for the shower and she apologized profusely and cleaned me up when the giggles began. There we were in a tiny shower laughing our asses off. She dates women now, but she was a total trooper.
- Me and the wife tried some of that couples lube that when combined made you feel awesome. It combined all right, just like water on a damn grease fire. We were both burning so bad we ended up laughing till we could barely breath fighting over the shower head.
- She threw a Big Red cinnamon mouth strip on her tongue, and went to town on me.The entire strip just came out of her mouth, and landed on the head of my wang, and started melting away there. Jesus Suffering Fuck. It was as if it was one of those chemical self fire starter things, out to start the next Fire of London. I leapt off of the bed, kneeing her in the jaw in the process, out in to the adjacent kitchen, and got my dick in to the closest source of water, which turned out to be dirty dish water, in a pint glass. Picked it up, lowered it down, and raised it up to dunk my dick in it. Fuck, that hurt. Only then, naked, heaving and covered in panic-sweat, did I shudderingly acknowledge and apologize to the two other girls sitting at the kitchen table drinking wine.
- Making mad, passionate love in a swimming pool, which is ironically very dry.
- Also never do it in a jacuzzi. Hot bubbly water does terrible terrible things to a certain substance that then becomes damn near impossible to clean out of said jacuzzi (AKA a jizzcuzzi).
- I tried tying my wife up. It just felt awkward. Neither of us could really get into it. I just untied her and we watched X-files.
- Boyfriend wanted to try and go down on me in the shower. He’s about thirty seconds in and starts coughing and choking bad. He basically almost drowned in the shower. I told him if he had died, we could have put on his gravestone: Died drowning in pussy.
- I had semi-public sex in high school. We went under a bridge. It was kind of muddy and gross, and there were ducks hanging out close by. I couldn’t focus on pounding my GF because I was concerned that a duck was going to bite my balls while I was distracted.
- The lady and I tried to incorporate whip cream into our sexy time. We didn’t have any though, so thought that honey would be just as hot and freaky. It’s not. It’s way too sticky.
Fun fact: when you are covered in honey any pet hair that may be in your house is magically drawn to you. Ugh, it was awful.
- Also decided to utilize food during sex. But only had peanut butter. So I put peanut butter on his balls. Needless to say, it looked and felt like I was licking shit off of his dick. The most unsexy thing ever.
- Back when I was a horny teen around Easter, I got my boyfriend to put a Cadbury’s creme egg up my vagina. I have no idea why or how it came about but it happened. The problem is that moments after it was up there it started melting. Chocolate and fondant everywhere. We panicked and started to try and scoop it out. It hurt alot. After trying to figure out how to deal with the situation there was a knock on the door. It was my mother. I walked past her like a duck and took the most painful bath ever leaving my boyfriend at the time mortified.
- I said something witty to my pregnant-at-the-time wife while she was on top. She giggled and I said “just don’t fart on my nuts.” This made her laugh even harder and then her rectum began playing patty-cake with my nut sack. Then she peed the bed. Memories for the grand kids some day I guess.
- Spanking. Kind of tame but I hit her too hard and she cried. Fuck me
- Reminds me of a time my boyfriend and I were having a bit of rough sex, talking dirty and what not. He said something that made me lightly, playfully slap him in the face. Apparently he was really close but that made him lose it and when he went to “put me back in my place” in a kinky, fun kind of way, he ended up hitting me harder than intended and really slapped me across the face. For two seconds I was just in shock, then I started crying. Like a lot. Not from pain but again, just from the shock. He obviously started apologizing profusely. After about a minute of him bumbling how sorry he was I stopped crying and we laughed it off and resumed the sex. It was probably the strangest sex I’ve ever had though.
- I tried to spank my girlfriend’s ass while she was on top and ended up smacking myself in the nuts. 3/10 don’t recommend.
- Sex swing. Bought one for my GF’s apt. I was hanging it up to the roof in these shitty apartments while she was at work. Got it up and decided to test it before putting her in it. Sat for a second, hear a pop and crack. I looked up and the bolts broke free of the rafter. I’m staring up at a 5-10 pound steel bar falling right into my forehead as my ass hits the ground. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but I awoke on the floor half-wrapped in a leopard print sex swing.
- My girlfriend of two years told me to lay down and trust her. I did, she then proceeded to pour hot oil all over my body while I was tied up and blind folded. It hurt and my tits were red for a hot minute.
- Went to a shady sex shop with my ex, and found a glory hole in the bathroom. Drag him in there and start using it. It was extremely hot until he let out a sound like the devil had just stuck a red hot poker up his butt. I guess while he was banging me through the hole, the corner of it had a stray splinter and it dug into his dick. This wasn’t just any splinter, it looked as if a piece of the wood had cracked and it was a 1 inch long shard. I drove him home and nursed him back to health by removing the splinter and cleaning his wound while listening to his cursing all evening.
- Decided to try anal for the first time. We went at it for a bit and it felt good. He finished and I went to clean myself up. I was unprepared for the marching band of cum farts that emitted from my newly discovered sweet spot. This was before we were fully comfortable letting rip in front of each other, so imagine the horror on my face when I realize that he can hear this roaring beast from the next room. The farts alone I might have been okay with, but the splattering detonation of semen made it sound like there was some explosive diarrhea going on. We ended up laughing about it, but at the time, it was terrible.
- Texted my girlfriend in the morning to blindfold herself and be naked in the living room on her knees waiting for me when I got home. Forgot about it by the end of the day. Ran into the neighbor on my way into the apartment building. “Sure come on up and I’ll give you back that DVD I borrowed” Was a little embarrassing for everyone (and no, it didn’t lead to an impromptu threesome).
- Having sex in the ocean. If you have ever considered it, don’t. stop. ABORT….
- In the bathtub. I am built like slender man — really tall and bony. It was painful. Then in the middle of it, I felt a moist moving sensation on my knee. Martha, the American bulldog was licking my knee. I knocked out a lot of firsts that day.
- Tried to put Ben Wa balls up my vagina. They got stuck
- Learned too late that there are special candles for wax play. My nipples still have nightmares.
- I tried a penis pump a couple times. First time I overdid the pressure and bruised the fuck out of my dick.
Comment: Did you have the “Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)” book?
- We did a little bit a rape play. She was yelling stop and don’t. It was kinda hot. Afterwards we were in the shower and heard banging at the door. The neighbors called the cops. I almost went to jail for being freaky.
- I had a friend who kept his shoes on for a bet. Took them off, took off his pants, then put the shoes back on never acknowledged it.
- I kept my socks on.