Why they’re always touching their junk. It’s still there. Promise.
And scratching it. In public. We itch too. We just don’t put on a five act show about it. Be discrete. This isn’t a production.
Why they always want us to want to touch their junk. “I was actually just reaching for the remote…sorry.”
Why they can’t just admit that a guy is hot. Have you SEEN the Hemsworths? Have you?
Their strange obsession with blondes. Blondes to the front, everyone else, just leave.
How they manage never to cry about relevant things, ever. Dog videos? Holiday commercials? Dogs in holiday commercials? Nothing.
But they get all choked up with anything related to sports. Watch a “30 for 30” episode with him and relish the feeling when he “just has something in his eye.”
Why sex lasts three minutes, whereas blow jobs last thirty. No it’s fine. I wasn’t suffocating on balls down here or anything.
PROTEIN!!!!!!!! We all need it. But you don’t need to announce that you’re drinking it, eating so much of it a day, or want to fucking marry it. Seriously. We. get. it.
Why they act surprised every time you finish a giant meal. I’m sorry, I forgot I was supposed to order a side salad san-croutons and leave with leftovers. Whoops.
The fact that they take selfies. Ever. You’re a grown ass man. Stop it, and stop it now.
Why they think we don’t know exactly what girls they’re flirting with on social media. The CIA has nothing on a jealous (sort-of) girlfriend.
Or real-life flirting with. We see you talking to that girl at the bar. We always see you.
Why skid marks are a thing. And why they haven’t stopped, despite our obvious disgust by them.
Their thirty second showers. Did you wash anything? At all?
Why the words “gluten free” scare them so much. Do they even know what gluten is? No. The answer is no.
Farting in public. Hold it in in complete agony like the rest of us.
Why they like to run their hands through our hair at the worst times. My hair is curled. And teased. And hair sprayed. And impossible to handle. Please stop and forget this ever happened.
Telling us that they’re going to sleep, but staying active on Facebook for three more hours. Common sense, guys. We check these things.
Why they think they’ll suddenly turn gay if they drink anything with fruit in it. Didn’t realize that slice of orange changed your sexual orientation. My bad.
Not manscaping. Return the favor or remain fellatio-less.
Why they hate cats. You all didn’t have a traumatic incident with a feline in your childhood.
The “putting his finger in your mouth during sex” move. Remember boys, porn isn’t real.
Why “E!” is stupid but “ESPN” isn’t. Different strokes for different folks. If I watch a game with you, you can keep up with the Kardashians with me.
The public grope. Nothing says “I really respect this woman” like an ill-timed ass grab.
Why the most unattractive guys talk shit about girls who aren’t “10s.” As the great Amy Schumer once expressed, “You’re not a 10, either.”
The fact that they think they’re actually dying when they’re sick. Temperature of 100.1? “Baby, can you write my will for me? I’m just too weak.”
How they stay friends with girls they hooked up with. You mean you don’t block them on social media and literally hide when you see them in public? But how?
Why they ask how we feel about guys’ nights. We hate them. You know that. Now answer all of my texts and don’t talk to any girls.
The fact that they complain about how long it takes for us to get ready. We’re doing this for you. We’d much rather leave the house in sweats and stringy hair. The choice is yours, sir.
Why they think you always want your nipples played with. 9/10 you should leave them alone. Like, really alone.
The fact that we put up with them, no matter how annoying, gross, or rowdy they are. Because at the end of the day, we just can’t get enough. Besides, half of the fun is complaining about them anyway..
Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.