When it comes to seasons, I always have and always will rate summer as the worst thing to ever happen to us. Ever. Maybe it’s because I was born and raised in Florida, and summers there are actually hotter than summers in hell. Maybe it’s because there are zero holidays I *really* care about in the May-August months (yeah, the 4th is fine, but have you heard of Halloween?), or maybe it’s because I prefer my seasons to support my unhealthy and gluttonous lifestyle. Winter and fall are great because the standard attire consists of baggy shirts, oversized sweaters, and pants that don’t button or zip. You can still rock a sweatshirt on a spring day without looking like a psycho, but come summer, wearing as few clothes as possible is all the rage.
So, if you’ve managed to avoid all dieting, exercising, and general self-care like I have for the past twenty-something years, here are a few things you can try if you want to conform to society’s beautiful standards this season!
- Try giving up carbs for a day, before realizing that life without carbs isn’t a life for you.
- Don’t get extra cheese on your pizza.
- Regret not getting extra cheese on your pizza and order another one.
- Maybe try to eat it without ranch?
- No. Fuck that. Just eat it with ranch.
- Drink exactly one glass of water, and feel like a #fitbitch.
- Go on, throw some lemon slices in there. Live a little.
- Instagram your water with lemon slices because every “like” takes off a pound or something like that.
- Consider buying of those Kardashian waist trainers.
- Decide you can’t spend that much money to wear a corset.
- Try to make one out of an old formal costume and some duct tape.
- Realize that no one will love you in your shitty duct tape waist trainer and throw it away.
- Avoid any and all bodies of water.
- If you have to go to a location with a body of water, tell everyone you just got your period.
- Your first period. Like, ever.
- Invest in a lot of coverups the next time you got to Target and blackout from all of the cute shit you want.
- Make up some sort of fake skin condition and tell everyone you can’t be around sunlight.
- Or hot people. You can’t be around hot people.
- Speaking of which, make sure to avoid all of your pretty friends at all costs.
- And maybe befriend more ugly people? They need love too.
- Wonder if you’re the ugly friend in your group.
- Cry. It burns calories.
- Break a bone so you can avoid all water and physical activities.
- Or just pay a doctor to give you a cast and act like you broke a bone.
- Consider calling yourself thicc.
- Realize you’re not thicc how everyone else is thicc and cry some more.
- Take a vow of modesty and full on Game of Thrones shame anyone who tries to make you break it.
- Pretend a relative died and wear all black in mourning.
- Buy a one-piece swimsuit because it’s ~trendy~ not because you’re living on a diet of chicken nuggets and fries.
- Or, just wear what you want and say “fuck it.”
- Realize you’re hot, just how you are.
- And if that doesn’t work, just redownload Facetune.
Because trust me, life’s too short not to get those nachos. And let’s be real, they get just as many likes as your swimsuit pictures do anyway..
Nice Move147
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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