Columns

33 Horrifyingly Shocking Confessions Of A Former Standards Chair

Screen Shot 2014-09-03 at 4.22.52 PM

  1. The only thing that got me through meetings was the vodka in my water bottle.
  2. I wasn’t a bitch. In fact, my requests were simple: don’t go to jail and don’t go to the hospital.
  3. I hazed, too.
  4. I played favorites. Any chair who claims otherwise is a liar.
  5. If you feign some sort of apology, regret, or embarrassment at your meeting, your chair will (or at least should) go easy on you.
  6. If I didn’t feel like dealing with it, I didn’t deal with it.
  7. Our adviser hated you more than I did.
  8. Being the standards chair means knowing anything and everything about the entire chapter. Secrets don’t exist.
  9. Nine times out of 10, it was someone in your group of friends who ratted you out.
  10. Social probation is reserved for the bitchiest of the bitches.
  11. We claimed you couldn’t participate in recruitment because you got sent to the drunk tank. It was really because you gained weight.
  12. Don’t trust the quiet girl. She sees everything.
  13. It’s entirely possible to buy your way out of trouble. You just have to name the right price.
  14. The key to not getting into trouble is to make sure everyone around you is equally drunk.
  15. Getting a member of exec to do something with you is basically a free pass to do whatever you want.
  16. If you’re friends with the president, you’re set.
  17. If you tattled, I hated you.
  18. If the incident in question didn’t result in you riding in the back of an ambulance or a cop car, your meeting was called because someone wanted you in trouble–not because you truly deserved to be there.
  19. Scapegoats most definitely exist.
  20. No one cared that your drug dealer was the same one Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen used. Kidding. We all thought it was really cool. But you still shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
  21. There’s nothing wrong with a little Xanax before meetings. It soothes the soul.
  22. Chatting during meetings only makes them last longer. Don’t do it.
  23. If you tattle on someone, she will absolutely fuck you over the first chance she gets. Don’t act surprised.
  24. Despite what everyone thinks, Nationals really does mean well. It just doesn’t always show it.
  25. No one is out to get you. Well, maybe a few people are. But it’s unlikely that your ENTIRE chapter hates you.
  26. Lock your shit up.
  27. Selling pills likely won’t get you in trouble, but selling pot will. What can I say? No one cares about the white-collar crimes. #doublestandard #society
  28. I showed up to chapter slightly drunk nine times out of 10.
  29. Nationals knows what the fuck is up. Like. NSA-level shit. Watch your back.
  30. Before you got yelled at by me, I got yelled at by an angry, 45-year-old alcoholic divorcée adviser. Trust me, I didn’t pity you.
  31. Getting so drunk that your standards chair or president has to stop what she is doing and take care of you will result in you getting fucked (not the good kind) six ways to Sunday.
  32. Your standards chair isn’t out to get you. She does just enough to not get your house/charter taken away.
  33. No one actually wants to be the standards chair. Any girl who says otherwise should be avoided at all costs. That bitch is actually out to get you.

Nice Move552
Respond

Email this to a friend

Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: [email protected]

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More