33 Things We All Secretly Want To Do This Halloween

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  1. Sit on the couch and judge other people’s Halloween costumes via Instagram.
  2. Tag yourself at the big block party from the comfort of your bed.
  3. Drunk text your ex. #spooky
  4. Magically lose, like, 20 pounds so you’re able to wear a bra and angel wings without the fear of “drunk gut” hanging out.
  5. Pull the ultimate “Mission Impossible” and somehow get into your fishnets without ripping them.
  6. Dress up like a burrito and get Chipotle for $3.
  7. And while we’re dreaming, you’ll have a “burrito artist” who doesn’t skimp you on the guacamole.
  8. Eat pumpkin pie. Like, an entire, full-sized pumpkin pie. Alone.
  9. Set up camp in the driveway with a lawn chair and wine and hand out candy to adorable children.
  10. The parents might be a little uncomfortable with the fact that you’re in a bathrobe, but whatever. It’s Halloween, assholes.
  11. Put an entire package of Reese’s pumpkins in the freezer and proceed to eat all of them until you sincerely hate yourself.
  12. Find a very handsome man to watch a very scary movie with and pull the “Oh no! Hold me! I don’t want the monsters to get me!” card.
  13. Or just, like, find any man to watch a very scary movie with.
  14. Wear pajamas instead of a costume, for obvious reasons.
  15. Somehow become legal so you don’t have to fear being hauled away by the cops for underage drinking while in a slutty costume.
  16. Because, you know, handcuffs do not compliment “Sexy Elsa.”
  17. Sing along to “I Put a Spell on You” and pretend you’re Sarah Jessica Parker in “Hocus Pocus.”
  18. Buy candy with the intention of giving it to people, and then just eat it all yourself.
  19. Look at pictures of yourself dressed up as a pumpkin when you were two and wonder what happened to your cuteness.
  20. Do absolutely nothing.
  21. Tell your friends to go to hell when they give you shit for wanting to do absolutely nothing.
  22. Look up pictures of cats dressed up in costumes.
  23. Tell all the little princesses running around that there is no such thing as Prince Charming.
  24. And that boys are actually the devil. And that they have cooties.
  25. And that cooties are called herpes.
  26. Ensure that the party all of your friends want to go to will be way too hot, way too crowded, and way too expensive suddenly gets canceled so you have to stay in. Darn.
  27. Gather an assortment of pumpkin spiced items and binge, because starting in November, peppermint bark will overtake everything.
  28. Watch “Halloweentown,” and remember your childhood, when you didn’t have to dress like a skanky cat to get a drink.
  29. “Yes, meow, I’m a bad kitty. Can I have a beer, please? Meow.” FML.
  30. Find a cab that won’t charge you $60 when you get left behind by the party bus.
  31. And that the same cab doesn’t charge you $100 when you throw up all of the Fireball and $3 Chipotle that was in your stomach.
  32. Lie in bed and feel #blessed that you aren’t wearing heels.
  33. Dust off your menorah or start playing Christmas music because you’ve waited long enough.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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