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33 Thoughts Every Newly Single Girl Has

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  1. How exactly do I go about talking to a member of the opposite sex? No, seriously. I completely forgot how to talk to a male.
  2. It’s like flirting is a completely new language. Is there some type of class I can take?
  3. I’m so done dating shitty men. Unless the next shitty man I come across has a jawline similar to Ed Westwick, because I’d wife that bitch up in a heartbeat.
  4. Can I be a whore for a little bit? Isn’t a slutty mourning period acceptable? I’m not updated on the protocol.
  5. I don’t think that I’m emotionally prepared to re-acquaint myself with a whole new penis. I got to know that last one so well.
  6. It would be swell if my friends would stop telling me “it’s better this way.” I KNOW IT’S BETTER THIS WAY. I KNOW IT.
  7. Wait, I totally forgot that most people put a significant amount of effort into their appearance before leaving the house. This sucks.
  8. How long before knowing a guy is it acceptable to stop wearing makeup around him?
  9. Oh, good. Another depressing love song. Wasn’t like I was trying to move on or anything.
  10. You know what I would love right now? A big, huge bottle of tequila.
  11. Or a pizza.
  12. Maybe both.
  13. I feel like I should invest in one of those birthday girl sashes that says “SINGLE” instead. Not only because I definitely deserve to be celebrated, but also because I’d also like people to approach with caution.
  14. I’m going to need a new hobby. Like knitting. Or kickboxing.
  15. Is going out even worth it? Can’t I just sit in my room and listen to breakup playlists by myself?
  16. ALL BYYY MYYYSEEEELLLLFFFF.
  17. I know I have to get rid of his hoodies. But it’s so hard, and not because I miss him, but because they’re so goddamn comfortable.
  18. Does this mean I have to go buy sexy lingerie? I feel like I need to step my game up.
  19. PDA is terrible. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, which is exactly what I think should happen to anyone who engages in it.
  20. Should I just buy a vibrator and call it a day?
  21. Which vibrator is the best vibrator?
  22. I should upload a picture of myself looking really happy. That’ll show him.
  23. WHY DOES EVERY SONG MAKE ME THINK ABOUT MY PIECE OF SHIT EX?
  24. No, friend that I haven’t spoken to in months, I would not like to attend your wedding.
  25. Wait, this is weird. Do I sleep in the middle of the bed? Or do I pick a side even though there’s a ton of space? How did I sleep before the era of that douchebag?
  26. If one more fucking person asks me how I’m doing in that pity-ridden tone, I swear to God, I will cut a bitch.
  27. So torn between being constantly horny, and not knowing how to go about hooking up with a new person.
  28. I wonder if my old FWB’s number has changed.
  29. I guess I’ll find out after the next couple shots.
  30. Can I date myself? Like, is that a thing? Because I’m really feeling myself, tbh.
  31. What do I do now?
  32. Oh, wait. Whatever the fuck I want, that’s what.
  33. Sort of impressed with myself right now. I thought I couldn’t live without him, but I’m like, still alive and whatnot. You go, Glen Coco.
Nice Move170
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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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