- Kids’ soccer games.
Adult sports sell them. Gotta prepare them for the real world.
- Mini golf.
Really any place involving children.
- Playgrounds and parks.
Especially screaming children.
- Chuck E Cheese.
This might as well just be Dave & Busters.
- Anywhere with go-karts.
The legal way to drink and drive.
- The zoo
Shots for Harambee.
- Your university’s financial aid office.
Just add it to my tab.
- Three-Hour lecture classes.
Can someone send me their notes?
- Chapter.
This could’ve been an email.
- Philanthropy events.
Can I just write a check?
- Recruitment.
Anything to distract from my aching feet.
- Work.
We can’t all be bartenders.
- The gym.
Lifting my glass to my mouth counts as an arm workout, right?
- Grocery stores.
Because some don’t?
- Fast food restaurants.
For the classy bitch who likes a nice champagne with her nuggets.
- Starbucks.
I’d like some Bailey’s with my Pumpkin Spice Latte.
- The laundromat.
Chores are hard.
- Hospitals.
Take a shot when something reminds you of Grey’s.
- The doctor’s office.
Gonna have to break the seal to pee in a cup, anyway.
- The dentist’s office.
AKA the doctor’s annoying cousin.
- The gynecologist.
“And the results of your STD test are…”
- Hair salons.
I said a trim, but sure, six inches is fine.
- Nail salons.
Please tell me how much my nail beds suck.
- Victoria’s Secret.
Could really use some beer goggles in this fitting room.
- Clothing stores.
Didn’t have a body complex until now.
- Sephora.
A place where they’re paid to tell you you’re ugly.
- Target.
But like, bar style.
- Michael’s.
I’m not painting 10+ canvases sober.
- Museums
Cheers to famous dead people.
- Movie theaters.
A nice Chardonnay pairs well with popcorn.
- Car rides where you don’t control the music.
I love the sound of banjos for seven hours.
- Family reunions.
Wow, Aunt Judy, you can’t even tell those aren’t your real teeth!
- All weddings.
I’m only going for the open bar.
- Funeral homes.
Well, this took a dark turn..
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