1. You don’t have dining halls. And I don’t mean that you have only a few dining halls or that they are relatively small, I mean that you, quite literally, do not have any.
2. You’ve arrived at class in a taxi thanks to a particularly rough night and an even worse morning.
3. “Greek Row” is actually just a block of townhouses located between a homeless shelter and a deserted building that might double as a meth lab.
4. Class has been canceled because your professor was stuck in traffic due to shitty public transportation.
5. Not only do you have to deal with annoying student organizations, you have to deal with homeless people.
6. Your fake ID could likely fool a TSA agent.
7. Drink specials aren’t real. All it means is that your vodka soda costs $9 instead of the usual $13.
8. Campus has been shut down thanks to a bomb threat, shooting, robbing, stabbing, carjacking, or national security crisis.
9. Hot dog vendors know you by name. They also know your drunk order by heart.
10. You’re so broke it’s actually laughable…except that you mostly just cry about it.
11. Grocery shopping is a logistical nightmare.
12. In all seriousness, you don’t know anyone who has ever gotten a DUI, because no one you know has a car.
13. You’ve had bar tabs that ended in multiple zeros.
14. Your student loan payments could double as a mortgage payment, which is funny, because you’ll probably be too broke to ever actually buy a house.
15. There are thirty-seven bars within a mile of your apartment. You’ve been banned from six of them.
16. You share a two bedroom apartment with four other people. Honestly, you still don’t even understand how you all fit.
17. Thanks to the size of your city and the layout of your school, it’s very unclear where campus begins and where it ends.
18. A homeless person has threatened to stab you…on more than one occasion.
19. You referred to yourself as a “local” five minutes after your parents dropped you off freshman year.
20. You frequently give tourists completely false directions, because the only thing you know about your city is the number of liquor stores you have on campus.
21. You’ve been robbed at gunpoint.
22. …and knifepoint.
23. Fraternities rent out bars to throw parties. As a result, you’ve been to some of the city’s nicest establishments wearing a toga, a tutu, bunny ears, and slutty cop uniform.
24. What is grass?
25. Seriously. You do not have a quad. Not even one.
26. You have a doorman. And yes, he fucking hates you.
27. East Coasters vs. West Coasters. If your college experience was a musical, it would be West Side Story.
28. It’s likely that you don’t have a football team. If you do, you’ve never been to a game.
29. The only reason you’re not one million pounds is because you have to walk everywhere.
30. You’ve thought about investing in a scooter or a bicycle, but you don’t quite hate yourself enough to purchase either.
31. One semester’s tuition could buy a nice home in many parts of the country.
32. You will be in debt until the day you die.
33. Ambulance and police sirens are now your lullabies.
34. Your worst nightmare is having to move back to the suburbs.