34 Signs You’re Getting Old

Sorority girls dressed as grandmas

With big/little reveal just around the corner, you might have come to the disturbing conclusion that you are, in fact, old. You’re not the one getting a big. You’re not the one getting the little. You’re the one standing awkwardly to the side waiting for the opportunity to take a family group picture because you are now officially a grand-big (read: you are now officially fucking irrelevant). Having had this devastating epiphany you will undoubtedly try to defend yourself against the harsh reality but at the end of the day you must realize that there is no hiding from the facts:

  1. You no longer get invited to fraternity events on Facebook.
  2. The new pledge class doesn’t hit you with that follow back on Instagram.
  3. You wave to new members on campus and they look at you like you’re a weirdo stranger.
  4. You have t-shirts from events no one knew ever happened.
  5. You start getting invitations to friends’ weddings.
  6. You sell all of your fake IDs.
  7. You have to ask how old guys are before you hook up with them.
  8. Because God forbid you hookup with a freshman.
  9. You go straight to the wine section when entering the liquor store.
  10. You can’t remember the last time you drank a FourLoko.
  11. You start going to bars to watch football games because your school doesn’t sell alcohol inside the stadium.
  12. You are the oldest one left in your sorority family lineage.
  13. “I have work” becomes a legit excuse for why you can’t go out.
  14. You start getting hangovers.
  15. After only drinking like a glass (or four) of wine.
  16. You stop using Tinder.
  17. And Bumble.
  18. You start looking for a legitimate relationship.
  19. Because you realize that the bartender you’ve been hooking up with on Tuesdays for the past two years is never going to want to tie the knot.
  20. People ask you what you’re going to do when you graduate more frequently than they ask what your major is.
  21. You have contemplated the idea that “accidentally” getting knocked up might not be such a bad thing at this point.
  22. All of your favorite school athletes are getting drafted.
  23. You get excited over getting a new crockpot.
  24. You Google the word mortgage.
  25. And the word pension.
  26. You are the grand-big or a great-grand-big in your sorority family.
  27. You have friends who are pregnant. On purpose.
  28. You have volunteered to be the designated driver.
  29. You start watching and/or reading the news.
  30. You start going to bed before midnight.
  31. You have a savings account.
  32. You start finding Post Grad Problems increasingly relatable.
  33. You can’t remember the last time you painted a sorority related canvas.
  34. You are reading this in bed instead of in class.

At least you’re not a regular grand big, you’re a cool grand big. That’s what you keep telling yourself at least.

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My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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