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34 Things A Sorority Girl Would Outlaw If Elected President

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1. Girls who idolize Marilyn Monroe but know nothing about her besides made-up quotes they see on Pinterest.

2. Jeans without pockets on the butts.

3. Sporting events that don’t allow alcohol.

4. Actually, any event that doesn’t allow alcohol.

5. People who don’t know the difference between there, they’re, and their.

6. The term “bae,” unless in reference to food.

7. Using ambiguous names on Facebook that make it harder for me to find and stalk you.

8. Guys who wear too much cologne. (There’s a reason it rhymes with “alone.”)

9. Snapchat stories that are uninteresting and exceed 30 seconds.

10. Stripper eyebrows.

11. Boys who do not offer shack shirts the next morning.

12. Boys who get mad when you steal one anyway.

13. Judging people for eating Nutella directly from the jar. (You don’t know my life.)

14. Expectant mothers who give updates about labor on Facebook.

15. Beliebers.

16. Guys who wear socks with Sperrys.

17. Girls who don’t eat gluten, and then tell you how good it feels not to eat gluten.

18. Humble brags on any form of social media.

19. Ridiculously overpriced shipping costs that are counterproductive to that great deal you found while online shopping.

20. Socially awkward PNMs.

21. Kendall and Kylie Jenner. They make me feel bad about myself.

22. We should probably just get rid of the whole Kardashian family, actually.

23. The ability to screenshot on Snapchat.

24. Pants in general. I’ve never been crazy about the concept.

25. That one friend who immediately asks to use your phone charger every single time she comes over.

26. People who wear heels to class and make me look like shit.

27. High school girls who bitch about being single, saying they are “forever alone.”

28. People who don’t text you back, but then proceed to tweet.

29. Girls who call their boyfriend “daddy.”

30. That awkward moment when Netflix stops the show and asks if you’re still watching. (Unnecessary. Of course you are.)

31. Snoopy exec members who desperately search for opportunities to demonstrate authority over you.

32. Boys who fuck things up.

33. Boys who fuck things up and then ask you why you’re mad.

34. People who tell you not to eat raw cookie dough because you might get salmonella.

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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