34 Thoughts You Have When You See An Engagement Announcement

guy propose to sorority girl

There are many reasons why I despise getting on Facebook. Everyone feels the need to air out their dirty laundry, post their political opinions that no one else in this world cares about, but the thing I hate the most? Engagement announcements. Is it because I’m single? Bitter? Jealous? Probably. But let’s be honest, I really enjoy my independence. It’s because there is a flood of emotions that come with seeing a friend or acquaintance announce their big news. Even those people who you have no idea who they are or how you became Facebook friends with them, your first reaction to their engagement announcement normally isn’t “OH MY GOSH, WHAT AM I GOING TO BUY THEM!?”

Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Sometimes ugly. But these are the thoughts we all have when seeing Facebook engagements.

  1. Do they even know how to balance a checkbook?
  2. God, I hope I’m not invited to anything.
  3. Are these senior pictures or engagement pictures because this is tragic.
  4. I guess they’re kind of cute together.
  5. Oh my God, she really just quoted a Disney movie in the caption?
  6. He’s doomed.
  7. But wait, they still go out? Who wants to hang out with the married couple at the bar?
  8. Are they still on their parents’ medical insurance?
  9. Haven’t they ever heard the phrase, “getting married at 23 is like leaving the party at 9:30”?
  10. She has to be pregnant.
  11. I’m only going if there’s an open bar.
  12. She made an Instagram pic stitch. And he’s still marrying her.
  13. I made out with him once. This is awkward.
  14. Maybe the size of the ring really doesn’t matter to some people.
  15. I think they just want to play house.
  16. Oh, I can’t wait to keep up with the baby daddy drama coming along with this Lifetime movie.
  17. If her bridesmaids dresses are anything like her formal dresses those poor girls are going to look like they are in Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.
  18. I think she think’s he’ll stop cheating when they live under the same roof.
  19. Do I have to get a present for both the bridal shower and the wedding?
  20. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
  21. But really, what am I supposed to buy them?
  22. Oh my God she is way too pretty for him. He must have money.
  23. Why didn’t I realize he had money that one time we made out?
  24. Their children are gonna be such cute little hipsters.
  25. Cue five-year engagement because they both don’t have full-time jobs.
  26. I’m sure she pressured him into that one.
  27. Haven’t they broken up 100 times?
  28. Do they really think this is a good idea?
  29. When did they even start dating?
  30. What a stupid freaking hashtag.
  32. Well, I hope that works out for them.
  33. I’ll just stick to the single life.
  34. Unless he wants to back out of the wedding and throw some of that family money my way.

God, I’m so alone.

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