In the Terms And Agreements of being a girl, Article III is entitled “Beauty is Pain.” If you were to read the fine print, specific examples of such pain are listed as follows:
- Waking up as the ass crack of dawn just to do your hair, makeup, and try on thirteen outfits before settling on the first one.
- Stabbing your eyeball with the mascara wand.
- Searing your neck with a curling iron.
- And then having to explain to everyone you encounter that it’s not a hickey.
- Tearing off your sticky boobs as well as four layers of skin.
- Pulling out your eyebrows one hair at a time.
- Pouring hot wax on your eyebrows and ripping it off.
- Pouring hot wax on your lady bits and ripping it off.
- Pouring hot wax anywhere on your body and ripping it off.
- Having to suck in for hours just to wear that one cute bandage dress.
- Constantly pulling bandage dresses up/down.
- Seriously, why would we ever wear something that’s named after the covering of open flesh wounds?
- Pulsing headaches from wearing an updo too tight.
- Precariously applying lipstick but somehow still looking like The Joker.
- Finding all of your hangnails by getting nail polish remover in them.
- Accidentally blinking while using your guillotine style eyelash curler.
- Only eating room temperature food for the week after using teeth whitening strips.
- Teetering around in foot canoes with chopsticks coming out the bottom (aka heels) because “it makes our legs look good.”
- And let’s be real; wedges aren’t much better.
- The abuse your big toes endure when being crammed through peep-toed shoes.
- Severe front wedgies from wearing high waisted shorts for too long.
- Spending hours on the Satan’s Death Machine they call an “elliptical.”
- Doing squats until you have an ass like
- Or until you collapse. Whichever comes first.
- Holding in farts around boys.
- Sweating profusely because you’ve spent an hour blowdrying and straightening your hair.
- But then the sweat curls your hair again so you have to redo it.
- Mental distress caused by jeans/bra/bathing suit shopping.
- Carpal tunnel from excessively pinning your next haircut/color, your first two weddings, and your wardrobe for the next three fall seasons.
- Puncturing yourself with metal posts in various places of your body, starting with the ear lobes.
- Trying to figuring out how to wipe with fake nails.
- Lacy thongs chafing your butt cheeks.
- Losing feeling in your hands and arms from holding them over your head too long while trying to perfect the messy bun.
- Scooping your boobs back into your bra so the underwire stops jabbing you.
- The stomachache when you look at your bank account after trying to achieve the unattainable look of beauty.
So, do you accept these terms and conditions? Sign on the dotted line. Here’s your vagina..
This column was originally published on October 5, 2015.