Columns

36 Lessons I Learned From My First Boyfriend

Screen Shot 2014-09-23 at 1.03.37 PM

Your first boyfriend. Sigh. Remember that guy? The boy who asked you out on your first date (which your mom most likely dropped you off at the mall for)? The boy who made you feel that first twinge of love and those sexually charged butterflies in your much skinnier tummy? The boy who gave you your first corsage, your first love letter, and, hell, your first orgasm–or at least he tried really hard.

Maybe you ended it in a burning breakup from hell at the homecoming dance (oh, memories) or maybe you two are still together. You’re that “perfect” couple that somehow managed the transition from high school sweethearts to college lovers, and you will eventually tell your children how you met in your tenth grade chemistry class (hate you). Either way, whether you’re on good terms or your blood still boils when someone says his name, you can’t help but admit that he gave you a lot of memories, lifelong skills, and, like it or not, he taught you a lot.

  1. You learned how to hold hands without cutting off someone’s circulation.
  2. Or doing that limp, dead fish thing.
  3. And how to remain cool so your hand wouldn’t sweat like a fucking waterfall.
  4. He was your ACTUAL first kiss. Or maybe he wasn’t (damn truth or dare) but he was the first one who actually mattered. And that kiss was scary, exciting, gross, and fantastic all at the same time.
  5. You learned that texting him every 30 seconds when he didn’t answer was, shockingly, not endearing.
  6. You’d blush when you’d tell your friends that you made out.
  7. And bonus, you learned how to do all sorts of things with your tongue, thanks to him.
  8. ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
  9. You became the master of lying to your parents, which still comes in handy.
  10. “Yeah I’m going to spend the night at…Alexa’s house.”
  11. You brought him shopping with you and learned to never bring a guy shopping with you again, because they are the definition of the worst.
  12. You learned that hooking up in a movie theater while watching “Juno” was not as glamorous as you thought it would be.
  13. Burping, while necessary, was not funny when you did it. Because you’re a girl. Mind blown.
  14. You became aware of the fact that while lipgloss looks fantastic, it is not conducive to an active kissing lifestyle.
  15. Getting a guy a gift for the first time and realizing that you were forever going to be faced with the stress that comes with not knowing what to get him, how much to spend, and how to deal with the fact that the gift you got him will most likely be better than the one he got you (really though).
  16. But thanks for the socks.
  17. You had your first taste of your dad hating the boy you dry-humped after school.
  18. And your first taste of–shudder–body juices.
  19. You learned that being a bitch actually wouldn’t get you what you want.
  20. But a well-timed cry? That shit STILL works.
  21. You learned that sex can mean everything or nothing, depending on how you chose to look at it.
  22. And, while it may not have been out of a Judy Bloom or Danielle Steel novel, he took your virginity with as much grace, poise, and dignity that a testosterone-filled boy could muster.
  23. Which wasn’t a lot. But still, you have to give him credit for trying (and for playing a cheesy song right before–“Let’s Get it On” will never be the same).
  24. He taught you that things usually won’t be as dramatic as you build them up to be.
  25. Dressing seductively can make you avoid almost any fight, ever.
  26. You can’t make someone give up his friends, hobbies, or family for you and your needs.
  27. And trying will only push him away.
  28. Sharing an appetizer was the true definition of romance. Actually, it still it. #MozzarellaSticks
  29. The first time he paid for your meal, you realized that, despite the bleeding uterus, the eventual childbirth, and the unequal pay, being a female just might be worth it.
  30. No one is perfect. Really. Not even you.
  31. Especially not you.
  32. He taught you that, while hickeys might be a badge of honor, they’re a slutty badge of honor. You can express your feelings without leeching on each other’s neck.
  33. Nine times out of 10, the boyfriend will drive, and he won’t really mind if you put your toes on the windshield.
  34. You learned that the safest way to tell someone you love him is to wait for him to say it first.
  35. You experienced your first heartbreak and how to keep going after your world together ended. (Note: Remember how you thought you would never get over him? Look at you now! Remember that when some other guy breaks your heart.)
  36. And, finally, he taught you how to love. How the earth would shake when he walked into a room, and how time just stopped when he kissed you. He may have been your first, and in the time that has passed, you may have had a few (or many) other loves, but a great thanks goes to the first boyfriend. He put up with you (for a while, at least), helped you learn how to fall in love, and more amazingly, showed you that you are worthy of love. Even though you both moved on, he’ll always have a place in your heart–and a friend request on Facebook.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

2 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More