If you felt like you had dignity when you walked in, don’t worry. That’ll change soon. You walk into a room filled with pregnant women, a young couple crying, and magazines covered with infant children that have headlines like “Parenting for the Modern Woman” or “Your Life is Now Over Because You Didn’t Use a Condom.” You have to fill out, like, 15 pages of paperwork that asks questions you wouldn’t even bring up with your imaginary therapist. Like, you don’t even use a pen anymore. So…

1. “Do you drink alcohol?” Uh…
2. “Do you smoke?” Like, when I’m sober?
3. “Do you use illegal drugs?” Illegal in which states?
4. “How many people have you had sexual intercourse with?” This month or…?
5. “Do you ever have unprotected sex?” I mean, It’s not like it was my idea…
6. The amount of lies I just told is a perfect example of why I’m a horrible person who doesn’t have nice things.
7. They finally call my name as I’m still debating the perfect number to write down for sex partners.
8. I want to seem like a lady but also not a prude. So, like…seven? Twelve? The truth? None?
9. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?
10. You try drinking and dressing up like sexy cowboys and Indians and then tell me that you can resist a roll in the hay.
11. Finally, a woman with the ultimate bitch face leads you back into the clinical smelling judgment trap.
12. “Oh, no. I just peed–I totally don’t have to go.”
13. Fuck. Can they detect alcohol in urine samples?
14. If you test positive for drugs, what happens? Hypothetically.
15. If I turn around on the scale, it’s like it didn’t happen.
16. “I don’t care if it’s childish. I just ate a burrito. That adds 20 pounds.”
17. Then, bitch face makes you sit down and asks you the same questions you just answered, but stares you into your eyes to try and figure out if you’re lying.
18. It’s like she can see inside your soul.
19. She knows everything.
20. Here, put on this open gown that confirms that fact that you’ve lost all dignity.
21. At least buy me dinner before you see me naked.
22. It must be a shame tactic to make me open my legs and lie on a freezing cold table while a stranger peeks around.
23. If you thought grocery store small talk was bad, try talking about your major with another person’s arm up your vagina.
24. This giant, metal eyelash curler that I’m going to clamp your lady parts with won’t hurt at all.
25. THIS IS WHY I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE.
26. Now, let’s talk about your family while I grope you.
27. While squeezing my nipples: “How’s your mom doing?”
28. Yeah, they’ll run some STD tests on your vagina samples, but don’t worry. If you’re clean, they won’t call you.
29. And you wonder why I lied about my sex number? You’re telling me not calling is good!
30. I thought all the guys who didn’t call actually LIKED me.
31. You have no one but yourself to blame for my scandalous ways, doc.
32. And now, what? I just get dressed with lube dripping out of me and act like this never happened?
33. You’ll call me, maybe?
34. So, like, if I see you at a bar do we say hi? Do we avoid eye contact despite the fact that you’ve BEEN INSIDE ME?
35. I’m literally never coming here again. Until I need a refill on my birth control. Which is actually why I’m here.
36. Yeah. How does it feel? Who feels used now, huh? Don’t ever call me, ever. #ButReally

Nice Move617

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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