36 Reasons Why I Would Never Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

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In honor of last night’s return of the zombies:

  1. The one time I played “Call of Duty,” I stood in the corner with my gun and had to be revived about seven times by people actually killing zombies.
  2. I only drink Fiji water.
  3. It would be like picking teams for kickball all over again. I’d be the last choice who literally brings nothing to the survival table.
  4. I haven’t used a real coffee pot in, well, ever.
  5. I don’t do camping.
  6. Losing Netflix would be like losing a part of myself.
  7. I can’t actually squish bugs, let alone coexist with them.
  8. Where does everyone get those super sharp swords? Is there an aisle at Trader Joe’s I don’t know about or something?
  9. Our periods attract zombies. Zombies can smell the menstruation.
  10. So, you know, that’s just great. We’ll be blamed for putting the whole group in trouble.
  11. Considering I always fall for the wrong guys, I’m sure I’d develop a crush on a zombie and think things would totally work out–I’d think he’s just playing hard to get or something.
  12. Are there still wi-fi hot spots somewhere or…?
  13. Where does everyone get crossbows? How do they work? Is there a YouTube tutorial?
  14. I haven’t created my “looking cute while surviving an apocalypse” Pinterest board yet.
  15. I’d rather die than try to fit all of my personal belongings in one small, easy to carry bag.
  16. How the actual fuck do you make fire out of sticks? I never got my Hogwarts letter. I can’t do that type of wizardry.
  17. Pretty sure someone would kill me before the zombies even got a chance due to my excessive complaining.
  18. “Buuut myyyy feeetttt huuuuurt.”
  19. I’d be the slut who accidentally gets pregnant during an apocalypse and causes all sorts of problems.
  20. So what? Does everyone just, like, stop drinking now?
  21. It’s the end of the world, not fucking Prohibition.
  22. You know that bitch who sleeps with all of the wrong guys, makes innocent people die, and basically just causes way too much drama? Hey, nice to meet you.
  23. The last time I ran for an extended period of time was in seventh grade gym class. And in reality, I cheated and hid under the bleachers.
  24. I’d get a fucking stick as a weapon because I can’t have nice things.
  25. My athletic clothing is literally all for show.
  26. I trip on air, so, like, running through an uneven, hole-filled forest of sadness for my life? LOL.
  27. I’d try to take a selfie with a zombie, because, you know, picture or it didn’t happen.
  28. If I couldn’t excel at the presidential physical fitness test in elementary school, how the hell am I supposed to excel at fitness now, after the freshmen 15 and falling in love with beer?
  29. If this is the end of nachos, I don’t want to exist anymore.
  30. I’ve never hit someone, so there’s no way I could smash a walking corpse’s face in.
  31. Camo doesn’t work with my complexion.
  32. I’d tell myself that the zombies were just misunderstood and try to become friends with them.
  33. I don’t take the Ebola scare seriously, so I’m assuming that means we would be in a full-fledged human versus zombie war before I’d even notice what was happening.
  34. A world without personal hygiene is not the world for me.
  35. I can’t eat salad without ranch dressing and croutons. How am I supposed to live off of actual, real leaves?
  36. In the end, I’d most likely just give in to becoming a zombie, because in essence, they live the dream. They get to eat as much as they want. They don’t have to worry about formal dates or why that girl spoke to your boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t required to shave as a zombie. So, like, sorry about the world ending and all, but really, if you can’t beat them, join them. I’m pretty sure human meat is healthy protein, anyway.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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