36 Things People With Zero Chill Know To Be True

No Chill

  1. You stick your foot in your mouth so often you could have a promising career as a circus contortionist.
  2. Some people have a way with words. Your specialty is word vomit. Did your grandma need to know that you’re in a good mood because all of your STI tests came back negative? Nope. But now she does.
  3. You probably made awkward small talk and some regrettable eye contact with your doctor during said test.
  4. You’re pretty sure you’re pregnant every month regardless of how long it’s been since you last had sex. Every. Single. Month.
  5. If you came to class late in college you practically ran in, apologizing profusely, disrupting the class far more than the person with chill who quietly slipped in.
  6. You’ve shown semi-strangers a weird, new freckle and asked if it looked “cancer-y.”
  7. If the phone rings, you’re pretty sure someone is dead.
  8. If the phone rings and you don’t recognize the phone number you’re pretty sure everyone you love is dead.
  9. Voicemails fill you with unbridled terror.
  10. You know better than to watch really intense or scary movies. The images will haunt your thoughts and dreams for days, rendering you even more of a nervous wreck than usual.
  11. Too much caffeine turns you into a vibrating, talkative squirrel-person.
  12. In an effort to curtail your spastic behavior you sometimes catch yourself staring at someone with a concentrated look on your face.
  13. “Don’t be weird, keep it together” is your internal mantra.
  14. One time you mixed up “their” and “there” in an email to someone important and are now convinced they think you’re stupid.
  15. If a friend takes more than an hour to text you back, you’re pretty sure he or she hates you and you wrack your brains for something offensive you might have said or done.
  16. Web M.D. is bookmarked on your browser and is responsible for several panic attacks.
  17. One time you accidentally kicked your pet and you’re pretty sure he’s still holding a grudge.
  18. You’ve verbally apologized for bumping into inanimate objects.
  19. If you’re the only person walking one way and a crowd is walking the opposite way, you’re pretty sure they all know something you don’t.
  20. You wash your hair before a hair appointment so the stylist doesn’t think you’re a greasy pig person.
  21. You can’t relax during a pedicure because it just feels so awkward. What do you say to someone who’s staring at your feet?
  22. When an attractive person smiles at you, you just stare at them, wide-eyed, internally spazzing out.
  23. Every time you check your bank statement you’re convinced someone stole your card until you go through every transaction on the list for the past month.
  24. You’ve purchased something you didn’t need because the salesperson seemed judgey.
  25. You can mentally bully yourself out of being too drunk.
  26. You’re convinced something else is seriously wrong when you’ve got a bad hangover.
  27. You have 3.8 seconds of panic that you’ve overslept every morning while reaching for your phone.
  28. If there is an awkward silence, you can be counted on to fill it with even more awkward words.
  29. You’ve said “I love you” to someone you didn’t love when hanging up the phone.
  30. Meditation seems as farfetched as flying for you.
  31. You can even find a way to make yoga seem stressful.
  32. You can remember something awkward you said six years ago and still feel humiliated.
  33. You track your packages obsessively.
  34. If the delivery you ordered for dinner hasn’t arrived in an hour you call the restaurant to confirm the order is indeed on its way.
  35. You then feel like a total asshole for having bothered an obviously very busy person who is just trying to do his or her job.
  36. There are certain places you avoid because last time you got your awkwardness everywhere and now its ruined for the rest of forever.

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