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37 Important Lessons I Learned From Season 1 of “Orange Is The New Black”

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Get ready. It’s back.

  1. Prison is intense.
  2. Like, really effing intense.
  3. It’s basically just a weird, “American Pie” sequel.
  4. The girl from “American Pie” (Natasha Lyonne) is literally the same exact character, named Perfection.
  5. It’s impossible to keep everyone happy AND on your good side.
  6. One decision can change your life. Especially one involving drug money.
  7. Hot Donna is not to be trusted.
  8. For your own personal wellbeing, it’s better to have Crazy Eyes love you.
  9. Covering up a pregnancy by having sex with another guy is super complicated. And bitchy. And genius.
  10. Used tampons aren’t part of a balanced diet.
  11. Chickens are a really big deal in prison.
  12. Family in prison is basically like family in Greek life.
  13. You have your cousins…then you have your first cousins…
  14. It helps to have a skill whilst in the slammer, such as soap making, editing papers, or shanking.
  15. You have to give people a chance to get to know their real self.
  16. The “American Pie” guy (Jason Biggs) makes an awesome fiancé.
  17. The “American Pie” guy (Jason Biggs) also won’t take your cheating shit.
  18. Being thrown in solitary confinement seems to be a huge turn on.
  19. Stealing a screwdriver can really screw you over.
  20. Doing illegal things with someone you love doesn’t make them less illegal. Just more fun.
  21. But, like, your heart will get torn out of your chest and you’ll get put in jail for 15 months.
  22. When you don’t get your way, just pee on the floor to show ‘em what’s what.
  23. You can somehow get pregnant while in a women’s prison.
  24. Oh yeah, it’s because there are hot male guards EVERYWHERE.
  25. Most religions started in jail won’t exactly catch on.
  26. Trying to kill someone with a cross while dressed as an angel should really send you to standards.
  27. Love is hard no matter where it’s at: a social or a prison.
  28. Being blonde in prison is not a plus.
  29. Blondes don’t have more fun there, but everyone else has more fun screwing (with) the blonde.
  30. Don’t breathe easy until the statute of limitations is up on the crime you committed. Duh.
  31. If guys saw how much girl-on-girl action was in this show, they’d all watch it.
  32. I guess people actually WON’T wait for you on the other side.
  33. Firefighters make really hot female hairdressers.
  34. Don’t mess with the one in charge of your food.
  35. Don’t go into a hot tub with an open wound. Ever.
  36. Girls who can craft do much better in jail than those who can’t (thank God).
  37. Don’t talk to me for the next 48 hours so I can binge on season two.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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