37 Signs You’re A Heartless Bitch


  1. You hate babies but love dogs.
    No, I don’t want to hold your baby so please don’t ask me to.
  2. The idea of cuddling makes you want to vomit.
    Thanks for the sex. Now kindly get the fuck out.
  3. When your friends ask you for relationship advice, your response is always brutally honest.
    “He isn’t giving you mixed signals; he just doesn’t like you. Move on.”
  4. You’ll try to comfort a friend who just had her heart broken, but you really don’t understand why she’s still hung up on this guy.
    He cheated on you. Why do you still care?!
  5. Some girls cry when they’re drunk. You point and laugh at those girls.
    You’re getting tears in my vodka soda.
  6. The guy you’re currently seeing admitted that he liked you and your response was “okay.”
    I’m not going to lie and say I reciprocate when I don’t.
  7. You’re not a relationship person.
    Relationships are boring. Being single is so much more fun.
  8. You have feelings. You just don’t like sharing them.
    Keep that shit to yourself, buddy.
  9. You spiritually relate to Samantha from “Sex And The City.”
    When she says to Richard, “I love you, but I love me more,” you’ve never related to something more in your entire life.
  10. You’ve come close to dating a few guys, but in the end you just couldn’t do it.
    It’s better off this way, for both of us.
  11. You’ll go on dates with guys who you have no intention of dating because free food.
    “Dinner? Sure. What about that new fancy French place where they fold your napkins into a swan when you get up to go to the bathroom?”
  12. When you start hanging out with a guy more often and he does the whole “I’m not really looking for anything serious” speech and you have to tell him that just because you’re sleeping together doesn’t mean you want to be his girlfriend.
    It’s possible to sleep with someone and not have any romantic feelings about it.
  13. You always bring guys back to your place if you want to hook up.
    No walks of shame for this bitch.
  14. You’ve broken a guy’s heart before and felt kind of bad, but mostly relieved.
    Yup, I’m definitely going to hell.
  15. You don’t catch feelings.
    Just crushes. Lots and lots of crushes.
  16. You’re guilty of letting an ugly guy buy you a drink and then walking away right after the bartender hands it to you.
    “Sorry, I have to go find my friends.”
  17. You act like a crazy bitch and somehow guys still like you and want to date you.
    What can I say? Guys love crazy girls.
  18. You have your read receipts on so guys know when you’re ignoring them.
    Take a hint, John Sigma Chi.
  19. Guys are instantly attracted to your carefree attitude.
    Act like you don’t want them and they’ll want you.
  20. Girls see you as a threat.
    Do less, ladies.
  21. Kissing is basically the same as a handshake to you.
    I am the Makeout Queen and this entire bar is my kingdom.
  22. When things start getting too serious with a guy, you immediately break it off.
    Not interested, thanks.
  23. You can see yourself never getting married.
    But you can see yourself living in a big house with fifteen dogs.
  24. A guy once called you “babe” after sex and you’ve literally never gotten dressed faster.
    I. Am. Disgusted.
  25. You’ve never asked a guy “what are we?” because you already know.
    Hookup buddies, friends with benefits, sex friends, whatever you want to call it.
  26. You’re known for giving performance reviews post-coitus.
    Seven out of 10. Oral could’ve lasted longer, but the sex was aight.
  27. Your friends beg you to teach them your ways, but you can’t. You were just born this way.
    Being a heartless bitch isn’t a trend. It’s a lifestyle.
  28. You don’t give a fuck if he texts you after you hookup.
    I have plenty of other options.
  29. You can’t believe how stupid some girls are when it comes to dating.
    Guys are pretty simple creatures, TBH.
  30. And you’re not afraid to tell them when they’re being stupid.
    Someone has to do it.
  31. You’ve never been in love.
    I once felt really strong emotions about a burrito, but that’s the closest I’ve come.
  32. You look at all your friends in relationships and you’re not the least bit jealous.
    You guys have fun with your boring sex lives and pointless fights. I’ll be over here getting free food and drinks.
  33. Sometimes you wish you had someone to go home to every night.
    Like a dog. I wish I had a dog.
  34. You don’t care what guys think about you.
    LOL at girls who care what idiot guys think about them.
  35. You’ve gone on a ton of dates but have only had a few boyfriends.
    Again, free food. I can’t turn it down.
  36. You don’t believe him when he says he’s a good guy.
    And I’m the Queen of England. Look at that, we both know how to tell lies!
  37. You’ve dumped a guy over text before.
    Sorry not sorry.

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Cristina Montemayor

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: (not .com).

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