1. They are totally down with splitting a pizza post-sex.
2. In bed.
3. While watching Netflix.
4. Speaking of Netflix. Wanna watch a show while popping one off? They’re cool with that.
5. And they don’t need it to last all day.
6. They don’t really care if you think about someone else while getting off.
7. Like Ryan Gosling.
8. Or one of the Hemsworths.
9. Or that hot T.A. from bio last semester who ALWAYS flirted with you. Sort of.
10. They’re fine with whatever lighting you’re fine with.
11. And they seriously don’t care if you keep your shirt on.
12. Haven’t shaved? No worries. Neither have they.
13. And they really don’t care that you haven’t washed your hair.
14. Or showered.
15. Once you have yours, they don’t expect it in return.
16. But they’d be happy to keep you going.
17. And going.
18. And going.
19. They would NEVER think of turning on porn mid-sex.
20. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing.
21. If so, choose whatever you’d like.
22. They’ll say exactly what you want to hear.
23. But they’ll literally never, ever, ever make you call them daddy.
24. Like ever.
25. Not in the mood? Guess what? Neither are they.
26. You don’t have to wonder who they’re thinking about when they give it to you.
27. You’ll always know. ALWAYS.
28. Yes, they’d like to go in a sex shop.
29. And no, they’re not afraid to utilize a vibrator.
30. They’re totally down to forego sex and watch “The Notebook” while drinking wine from the bottle.
31. But if you want to get off while watching “The Notebook” and drinking wine from the bottle, they’re there to help.
32. Sex at your parent’s house? Don’t worry, it’ll be discrete.
33. Or it won’t happen at all, whatever you think.
34. Want to stalk your ex while crying and orgasming? They’re down.
35. And hell, they’ll even convince you to text him after, because, whatever.
36. They’ll literally do anything you say.
37. ANYTHING.

Spoiler: It’s you. You’re your own best hookup buddy. So go grab a vibrator, some AA batteries, and go to town. Happy National Masturbation Month everybody. Now go fuck yourselves..

Nice Move417

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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