“It’s my effing birthday betchesssss!” You slur, as you stand on top of the bar, drinking from a handle and fixing your plastic tiara. Being the “birthday bitch” is what every girl between the ages of sixteen and thirty lives for. Having a week dedicated to celebrating your general existence is what gets us through the rest of the shitty year. When it comes to birthday expectations, however, a lot of us have some goals that might be a little unrealistic. Here are the basic things a girl wants on her birthday. Sure, it might be a little much, but IT’S MY FUCKING DAY OKAY?!
- To wake up to a barrage of texts from your friends and family.
- So many, in fact, that you can’t possibly respond to them all. Ever.
- Breakfast in bed, made for you by the guy who hasn’t quiteeee committed yet.
- But it’s not some shitty, watered down egg breakfast. He makes you the good shit. Some of that eggs benedict shit.
- And gives you champagne.
- Dom, naturally.
- And oral sex. You get oral sex without any expectations of returning the favor.
- The phrase “birthday calories don’t count” is real on your big day.
- So you eat everything.
- And I do mean everything: pizza, bagels, cake, bacon covered-chocolate smothered in cheese and cellulite. If it’s unhealthy, it’s yours.
- Will there be a surprise party? I don’t know (wink wink)!
- At least five Instagram shoutouts (from your big, your little, your best friend, your other best friend, and the one girl in your chapter who’s like, creepily obsessed with you).
- And 200 plus likes on your birthday selfie because #whynot?
- Class doesn’t exist on your mutherfucking birthday.
- And neither does that girl you hate-stalk regularly.
- Pay for drinks? Uh uh! Not today.
- You also won’t pay for the meal at your birthday dinner, the Uber to the bar, any of the shots you gulp down, the drunk food you eat after, or your ride back to that one guy’s house.
- Or the Plan B the next morning. Because that’s just chivalry.
- If you don’t get gold balloons with your birthday number, you might actually die.
- And posing with them with your whole squad? Yeah. You’re doing that shit.
- And the picture will look so good, you won’t even need to FaceTune it.
- I mean, you’ll still FaceTune it, but you don’t haaaave to.
- Some sort of flower arrangement and/or Edible Arrangement will make it’s way to your sorority house/apartment/place of business.
- And everyone in your vicinity will make a big deal about it. Because, obviously.
- Money. Lots and lots of money from relatives you sort of forgot existed.
- And from the ones you remember. #ThanksGrams
- No one else is really allowed to have drama today.
- Or great moments in life. All engagements, relationship announcements, and job offers disappear until after your weekend.
- Because yes. You get at least three days dedicated to your birth.
- Tequila.
- If your parents don’t visit you, they’ll send you a large, guilty Vemno transfer.
- And insist on singing you happy birthday, no matter how drunk you are.
- That guy, who didn’t want to commit? Yeah. He got you the perfect gift.
- The perfect *expensive* gift.
- And takes you to dinner at that one place you’ve been dying to try but felt it was too over-the-top.
- Did he preorder a special dessert? Obviously.
- And did he request live music at the table? For sure.
- And did he drop down to his knee and propose with the perfect ring even though he wasn’t officially your boyfriend but like, he loves you deep down? Hell yeah he did.
- Did he promise you babies and puppies and orgasms for the rest of your life? You know it.
You know. Just a normal, low key birthday..
Nice Move415
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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