You’ve been sitting on your couch for so long that you and your furniture are gradually becoming one. Getting up might be painful.
The world is so cold, and your bed is so warm.
One. More. Episode.
Okay, four more episodes.
You can’t get in the shower yet anyway, because you ordered food and don’t want to miss the delivery man.
Washing your hair makes you want to die, so you experiment with dry shampoo, a sock bun, a messy-but-chic ponytail, a big headband, and a hat until you finally realize that your hair is so greasy that you could ring it out and fry something on it, so you’ll have to give in.
To shave or not to shave, that is the question.
Just kidding, don’t shave.
You get out of the shower and have a text from that boy you were maybe going to meet up with. Go back and shave.
Naked time. All the naked time. Literally sit around and do nothing but be naked.
Brushing your hair so challenging when you get out of the shower.
Winged eyeliner will never be on your side. Ever.
Like you will literally spend twenty minutes trying to even it out, then eventually have to take a q-tip to your eyes and start over.
Your hair is the flattest.
More volume. More. MORE. NEVER STOP TEASING.
Okay, too much teasing. How do you fix this?
God, you’re so pale. Is it weird that you use leg makeup? Like is that taking it too far or is it actually entirely necessary?
“Do I curl my hair toward my face or away from my face?”
Okay…how do I know which way is away from my face?
Congratulations, you just successfully did your part in destroying the ozone layer with the hairspray you just used.
Take the time to remove 25% of your clothes from your closet piece by piece.
Cool. You hate everything you own.
Why is your roommate so skinny? Do you look too slutty in her skirt or just slutty enough?
Should I wear Spanx with this?
Where is your strapless bra? Please take time to go through one month’s worth of dirty laundry to find your strapless bra.
Add to to-do list: buy a second strapless bra.
Pause. You’re not nearly drunk enough. Before you do anything, go make another drink.
Which shoes look better with your outfit? Ask all five of your roommates one-by-one which shoes they like better.
Then discount their opinions and wear the ones you like.
Let’s take some pics! I need a new profile picture.
Which filter do you like better?
I need another shot.
Check if everybody has everything and when you finally feel like you’ve gathered everyone together, two of your roommates will need to double check if they left their curling irons on.
“Wait. I need to reapply my lipstick.”
Leave the apartment and start walking down the stairs so someone can realize she forgot her earrings.
Wait in the stairwell cold and impatient.
Good thing you took long enough to get ready just in time for to wait in the longest line possible.
And the clock strikes midnight, and finally, you’ve arrived.
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org