- If he uses Siri anywhere other than in the car.
- If he doesn’t think corgis are cute, he’s basically Hitler. If you love America, you will dump him this second.
- If he hates when you wear makeup. If it makes you happy, wear a smokey eye to that 8 a.m. chemistry class. You do you.
- If you’re faking orgasms with him. There’s absolutely no future in that relationship.
- If he tucks his polos into his underwear. Stay away. Stay far, far away.
- If he gets way too drunk at parties and completely ignores you and breaks things. Regularly.
- If he’s only interesting when he drinks.
- If you deep-cleaned the vomit from his couch and didn’t even get so much as a caramel macchiato from Starbucks as a thank you. Jerk.
- If he’s too romantic. Constantly receiving flowers and gifts will eventually stop being cute and become mundane. Romantic gestures should be occasional or they’ll lose meaning.
- If he’s too comfortable. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if he doesn’t ever do anything cute for you because he thinks he doesn’t have to, show him the door.
- If he’s an ex and you rekindled the flame. You broke up with him for a reason. Remember that reason.
- If he thinks Taylor Swift isn’t that awkward: “Her dance moves are actually kind of cute.” Um, bye.
- If he thinks Beyoncé is “just okay.” I GUESS BEING SINGLE IS “JUST OKAY,” TOO.
- If he actually expects you to shave your legs every day, like some kind of magical, hair-free naked mole rat. Sorry, not gonna happen.
- If he’s seen Nickelback in concert.
- If he won’t go down on you. If you don’t get to lie back and enjoy the pleasures of oral, he shouldn’t either. The girlfriend shall giveth and she shall taketh away.
- If your best friend doesn’t approve. She knows you better than anyone, even yourself. Listen to your better half and take her objections seriously.
- If he gets his salad dressing on the side — or orders salad in a restaurant, ever.
- If he asks you if you’re on your period when you aren’t. And when you are. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
- If he eats pizza, ribs, or wings with a fork and a knife. And without ranch dressing.
- If he sends you unsolicited dick pics.
- If he leaves the toilet seat up all the time. Even if you told him not to and you left a note by the toilet…and on the toilet…and texted him while he was using the toilet.
- If he forgets your birthday but remembers Flag Day or Earth Day or some other pointless holiday recognized by the government.
- If he forgets that you’re allergic to strawberries and sends you an Edible Arrangement with strawberries on it as an apology for forgetting your birthday.
- If he holds his beer bottle by the neck.
- If the only beer he drinks is that cider crap.
- If he prefers to drink his drinks with a straw. Straws are for women and people in hospitals, and if he’s neither of the two, he should drink from the glass like a real man.
- If he wants to do butt stuff. Thanks to the guys over at Total Frat Move for brainwashing guys everywhere, convincing them this is a thing that they want. Ugh, this trend needs to die.
- If he wants you to do butt stuff on him. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! MAYDAY! EARTH TO CLUELESS GIRLFRIEND!
- If he “forgets his wallet” on dates.
- If he calls his mom in the mornings, at night, after sex, and basically after anything happens ever.
- If he makes you sit in the back seat when his buddies are riding with you.
- If he cancels your recording of Keeping Up With The Kardashians to record the game.
- If he calls all his exes crazy, bitches, or crazy bitches. You’re the only person who’s allowed to think that, because one day, you might end up in the same position.
- If his sneakers cost more than your heels. There can only be one high maintenance person in a relationship, and you called it first.
- If he posts on Facebook more often than your mom.
- If he cries more than you when you’re on your period and you see that ASPCA commercial with the sad-looking puppies — they’ve been neglected and you just feel so terrible that you frantically call the hotline and ask to adopt all of them.
- If he hates cheese. Relationships without queso are scientifically proven not to last. Trust me, I’m not an expert.
- If your dad would be anything less than proud of the way he treats you..
Nice Move464
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: [email protected] (not .com).
@crismontyy
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