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39 Signs You Should Dump Your Boyfriend Right Effing Now

39 Reasons Not With Stupid Boyfriend

  1. If he uses Siri anywhere other than in the car.
  2. If he doesn’t think corgis are cute, he’s basically Hitler. If you love America, you will dump him this second.
  3. If he hates when you wear makeup. If it makes you happy, wear a smokey eye to that 8 a.m. chemistry class. You do you.
  4. If you’re faking orgasms with him. There’s absolutely no future in that relationship.
  5. If he tucks his polos into his underwear. Stay away. Stay far, far away.
  6. If he gets way too drunk at parties and completely ignores you and breaks things. Regularly.
  7. If he’s only interesting when he drinks.
  8. If you deep-cleaned the vomit from his couch and didn’t even get so much as a caramel macchiato from Starbucks as a thank you. Jerk.
  9. If he’s too romantic. Constantly receiving flowers and gifts will eventually stop being cute and become mundane. Romantic gestures should be occasional or they’ll lose meaning.
  10. If he’s too comfortable. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if he doesn’t ever do anything cute for you because he thinks he doesn’t have to, show him the door.
  11. If he’s an ex and you rekindled the flame. You broke up with him for a reason. Remember that reason.
  12. If he thinks Taylor Swift isn’t that awkward: “Her dance moves are actually kind of cute.” Um, bye.
  13. If he thinks Beyoncé is “just okay.” I GUESS BEING SINGLE IS “JUST OKAY,” TOO.
  14. If he actually expects you to shave your legs every day, like some kind of magical, hair-free naked mole rat. Sorry, not gonna happen.
  15. If he’s seen Nickelback in concert.
  16. If he won’t go down on you. If you don’t get to lie back and enjoy the pleasures of oral, he shouldn’t either. The girlfriend shall giveth and she shall taketh away.
  17. If your best friend doesn’t approve. She knows you better than anyone, even yourself. Listen to your better half and take her objections seriously.
  18. If he gets his salad dressing on the side — or orders salad in a restaurant, ever.
  19. If he asks you if you’re on your period when you aren’t. And when you are. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
  20. If he eats pizza, ribs, or wings with a fork and a knife. And without ranch dressing.
  21. If he sends you unsolicited dick pics.
  22. If he leaves the toilet seat up all the time. Even if you told him not to and you left a note by the toilet…and on the toilet…and texted him while he was using the toilet.
  23. If he forgets your birthday but remembers Flag Day or Earth Day or some other pointless holiday recognized by the government.
  24. If he forgets that you’re allergic to strawberries and sends you an Edible Arrangement with strawberries on it as an apology for forgetting your birthday.
  25. If he holds his beer bottle by the neck.
  26. If the only beer he drinks is that cider crap.
  27. If he prefers to drink his drinks with a straw. Straws are for women and people in hospitals, and if he’s neither of the two, he should drink from the glass like a real man.
  28. If he wants to do butt stuff. Thanks to the guys over at Total Frat Move for brainwashing guys everywhere, convincing them this is a thing that they want. Ugh, this trend needs to die.
  29. If he wants you to do butt stuff on him. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! MAYDAY! EARTH TO CLUELESS GIRLFRIEND!
  30. If he “forgets his wallet” on dates.
  31. If he calls his mom in the mornings, at night, after sex, and basically after anything happens ever.
  32. If he makes you sit in the back seat when his buddies are riding with you.
  33. If he cancels your recording of Keeping Up With The Kardashians to record the game.
  34. If he calls all his exes crazy, bitches, or crazy bitches. You’re the only person who’s allowed to think that, because one day, you might end up in the same position.
  35. If his sneakers cost more than your heels. There can only be one high maintenance person in a relationship, and you called it first.
  36. If he posts on Facebook more often than your mom.
  37. If he cries more than you when you’re on your period and you see that ASPCA commercial with the sad-looking puppies — they’ve been neglected and you just feel so terrible that you frantically call the hotline and ask to adopt all of them.
  38. If he hates cheese. Relationships without queso are scientifically proven not to last. Trust me, I’m not an expert.
  39. If your dad would be anything less than proud of the way he treats you.

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Cristina Montemayor

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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