Wow, so you just perioded in a guy’s bed. Maybe on his penis. Bet you feel like the belle of the ball! As a vagina-haver, you know this is a fate worse than death. So what it is an unwanted bodily function you can neither predict, nor control? You are now nothing more than “the girl who menstruates” because you, my friend, got your period in a guy’s bed. Yuck!
But what if I told you that maybe, just maybe, there was a way to undo this? Not physically, of course, because you quite literally caught him red-handed. With your blood. On his hands. Because you didn’t know your period was coming, and he put his fingers in places they didn’t belong. But maybe MENTALLY you can erase this epic mistake? Would you do it? Of course you would!
1. Buy him presents.
Lots of presents! Border on too many presents. I know it’s typically the guy’s job to woo the girl, but desperate times, as they say, call for blowing an entire paycheck to buy back his adoration. You may be known as the psychopath who obsessively started sending care packages to his door, but I bet he’ll immediately forget about the uterine lining he became acquainted with last weekend!
2. Go to a sporting event.
Oh, you hate sports and couldn’t tell a touchdown from a — uhh — another sports term? Well, not any more! Open up a playbook and turn on ESPN, because you are about to be an expert in the field of, umm, things that happen on fields. Please indulge in a healthy diet of Doritos and beer as you journey through a land where men watch men touch other men’s asses, and pretend it’s not gay! You’re no longer the girl who got her period. Now you’re the girl who asks him too many questions about sports, and possibly ruined a game for him. Yay, you!
3. Smoke Marlboro cigarettes
Ew, I know cigarettes are gross. But you know what’s more gross! Your period! On his sheets! And maybe all the way down to his mattress you unhygenic incubator for diseases! Your job right now is to make him forget you even have a vagina let alone your period. A surefire way to do that is by smoking the ~hardest~ cigarettes in the game, growing some chest hair and becoming a cowboy. Phew!
4. Fake your own death.
This is a particularly desirable option, because you wish you were dead anyway! By scooting out of town, and maybe starting some social media buzz about your demise, the conversation around you will quickly shift from “that girl who got her period while we were fucking” to “that girl who passed away, wow, so sad, maybe we could have been something.” That’s a legacy you want to leave!
If none of these options work for you, just know, you’ll never be able to show your face around him again. Guys want you to get your period every month, but the second you prove it to them, you might as well not exist! Menstruate with caution..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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