Call me a traitor to my own kind, but let’s face it–a lot of guys are scumbags. There are some really great, genuine guys out there waiting for a chance that you may or may not have squandered by friend zoning them (you might realize this fact WAY too late to do anything about it) but for every great guy you’re not dating, there are 10 scumbags that you’re either dating, have dated in the past, or will date in the future. While it’s true that hindsight is always 20/20, we’re often so wrapped up in our current relationships that we forget the mistakes we made in our previous ones and the things we swore to ourselves we’d never let happen again.
Heartbreak is very important. You learn the most in times of loss, and certainly more than you do when everything is “perfect.” Instead of letting a guy (or a girl, you do you) walk all over you, keep in mind these things that would make your most stereotypically sassy friend say, “Oh no he didn’t!” Always think about the sassy voice in your head, because unless your sass is satisfied, you shouldn’t be either.
1. Monopolize All Your Time
We all have those friends who get into a relationship and just straight up vanish off the face of the earth. They’re gone and dead to the world. We’re all guilty of this, too, by the way. You just don’t realize it until you’re balls-deep in it. You trade in getting dolled up for a night out for putting on sweats, cuddling, and watching “Friday Night Lights” on Netflix. You don’t really see the point in going out if the endgame is finding someone to go home with, because you’ve got that already. It’s a pretty idyllic existence, I won’t lie.
But only if you’re doing that by choice. If you’ve got a boo who won’t let you see your friends and demands all your time, that’s an absolute “Oh no he didn’t!” moment. You deserve to see your friends as much as you want, and your partner should want to impress your friends and build a relationship with them, too. If your significant other can’t accept that, that’s a big deal-breaker. Speaking of which…
2. Not Let You Be Friends With People Of The Opposite Sex
This is another huge one that definitely needs to be addressed. If you’re a girl, you should be able to be friends with whomever you want, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Newsflash: girls and guys CAN be friends without trying to hump each others’ brains out. It’s true–I read it in a book once or something. I know that girls value their relationships with guys very highly, and I know that guys feel the same way about their female friends.
But if a significant other says that he or she doesn’t like your friends of the opposite sex, that’s a big red flag that you definitely need to address. It really boils down to two things: your partner either has no faith in you to be loyal or is insecure about him- or herself, and those are both problems your significant other need to address, not you. If the person you’re dating can’t accept that you’ve got friends of the opposite sex that you love dearly, then you better tell him or her to hit the bricks.
3. The Old “Threesome” Trick
Ugh. I just can’t believe how many people fall for this trick, and how many guys get away with it. You all know that I’m a big proponent for threesomes and for people being sex-positive in general. You have to let your freak flag fly!
However, as much as I’m a fan of all that, I’m equally NOT a fan of guys who use something as fun and awesome as a threesome to, essentially, legitimately cheat on a girl. How can you tell when a guy is using a threesome as an excuse to scam on you? A couple red flags to look for: if he’s the one who suggests it and you’re not comfortable with it, but he pushes for it anyway; if he knows the girl and has been intimate with her in the past; if he brings the girl into a bedroom situation without you having met her/vetted her; or if he’s not down to give you a devil’s threesome (if you’re into that). We don’t like double standards.
Basically, if you’re not comfortable with anything that’s going on, and you don’t talk about everything before and after the event, it’s a big “Oh no he didn’t!” and your boo may have just gotten away with guilt-free cheating. Nuh huh, not on Stefon’s watch. Enough is enough, you want him out, you want him out that door now.
4. Abuse Of Any Kind
Let’s get real here. Abuse is very, very real. Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past two weeks, the top non-ISIS-related story in the news has been about domestic abuse in the NFL, starting with the Ray Rice scandal, with a number of other similar situations coming out of the woodwork. With major institutions seeming to be willing to sweep this under the rug, self-reporting of abuse is more important than ever.
Abuse comes in more than one form, but all of them are pretty equally devastating. We all know that there’s more than just physical abuse–there’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual, economic, psychological abuse, abuse that prevents you from being successful at a job or in school, technological abuse, such as spying on emails and texts, repeated texts and calls, or even GPS tracking, and more. It’s also incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship for a number of reasons, including fear, threats, shame from friends and family, or other factors.
If you ever feel that you are being abused in any way, and you feel that there’s no way out, do yourself a favor and get help. Please, I beg you. There is always a way out. Always. If you’re in a bad situation, please call the National Domestic Violence hotline or anyone who might be able to help you. Do not let your significant other, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, get away with relationship abuse. I’ve seen too many people I care about in bad situations who said nothing: friends, family members, etc. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE speak up if you feel that you’re in an abusive situation.
While we got a little real and dark toward the end, I think the message is still the same no matter what. You should never let someone treat you badly or play you or tell you to do something you don’t want to do. You’re free to do whatever you want with whomever you want, as long as you’re not hurting someone or yourself, or doing anything destructive or illegal. Don’t let someone get away with hurting you and making you think you’re not the wonderful, beautiful, incredible person you are. Never, ever settle for less than you deserve.