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40 Red Flags: He’s Not Your Boyfriend If…

1. You don’t want him to see you without make-up.

2. He doesn’t pay for you.

3. He won’t meet up with you and your friends.

4. You don’t hang out when you’re on your period.

5. He won’t acknowledge you as anything more than a friend in public.

6. It would be weird to call him.

7. His friends have never heard of you.

8. You’re not comfortable discussing what you like…like…in the bedroom.

9. You don’t kiss on the lips without tongue.

10. You have no say in his wardrobe.

11. He won’t stop talking to his ex-hook up even if he sees how much it upsets you.

12. He refuses to watch TLC, Bravo, or E! with you.

13. You have to ask a textpert what to say back to him.

14. You don’t know his whereabouts 95% of the time.

15. You don’t talk every single day…like maybe even a little bit too much.

16. You’re not FBO.

17. You haven’t told your mother he exists, and don’t plan to.

18. He isn’t your go-to person…on matters that aren’t about him anyway.

19. You’re not his go-to person.

20. He doesn’t care if he hurts you.

21. His bed is a cuddle-free zone.

22. You feel obligated to give his clothes back to him.

23. He doesn’t (at least jokingly) use your lingo.

24. You ask everyone else for their opinions on why he’s behaving a certain way, but you can’t ask him.

25. You don’t get good morning and good night texts on nights apart.

26. All of your “dates” consist of watching TV on his cum-stained futon with cheap wine and a hook-up.

27. He won’t hold your hand.

28. You’ve never made out sober.

29. You’ve never hung out sober.

30. You throw a bitchfit and worry that it will change things.

31. He goes stag or skips a date function rather than taking you.

32. You don’t kiss hello and goodbye.

33. You only know his siblings’ names because you’ve stalked him, not because he’s talked to you about them.

34. He’s never opened up to you about anything serious.

35. He doesn’t get jealous of other guys.

36. You don’t have any pictures together.

37. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he checks out other girls.

38. He tells you you’re hot, but never beautiful.

39. You’ve never had a fight about something ridiculous. Like something that wouldn’t have even phased you (or him) if someone else said/did it.

40. He tells you he’s not your boyfriend…

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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