As you gently awaken from the five and a half hours of sleep you got the night before, you are ready to start your day, but there is something in your way. That guy that you took home last night is sprawled out in your bed without a care in the world. Look how he gently snores in his jizz-stained briefs. What an angelic creature. You almost don’t want to wake him. Almost. Does he not know you have shit to do? Once he rises from his Cuervo coma and throws his Sperrys back on, you can finally start with your to-do list.
- Release all the gas you have been holding for the last eight or so hours.
- Wash your crusty face.
- Tie your hair up as high as you possibly can to keep the smell away from your nose.
- Put on a t-shirt and underwear and call it an outfit.
- Gossip with your roommates about what happened last night.
- Even though they DEFINITELY heard it.
- Test your theory by leaving music on in your room and go into another one to see how well you can hear it.
- Shudder at all of the things that your roommate could have possibly witnessed.
- Apologize profusely to your roommates and hide in your room for an hour to punish yourself.
- Finally shower.
- Wash the frat house sludge off of your feet.
- And wedges.
- And calves (Seriously, how does that get there?).
- Stand under the water and let it wash away your sins.
- Shave your legs.
- Just kidding, fuck that.
- Lay in a towel on your bed and stare at the ceiling.
- Wake up from your accidental nap.
- Facetune the living daylight out of the most salvageable picture from last night.
- Send it to your best friend to make sure it looks flawless.
- Post that shit.
- Look at a calendar to see when the last time you got your period was.
- Sigh in relief when you realize you’re not actually late.
- Make a sandwich.
- With a side of a bowl of cereal.
- Groan at how messy your room is.
- Do nothing about it.
- Check how many likes your Instagram got so far.
- Revel in your popularity.
- Study the picture until you fully hate it.
- Remind yourself you are your harshest critic and you are a strong, beautiful woman who don’t need no man.
- Refresh your notifications to make sure your ex liked your Instagram.
- Bingo.
- Take a sexy snap to send to the guy from last night.
- Delete it.
- Take another one that *looks* like a mass snap, even though you know you’re only going to send it to him.
- Wonder if he’s with other people.
- Or worse, another girl.
- Delete the snap.
- Look at his Instagram to remind yourself how hot he is.
- Replay last night’s events in your head.
- Pat yourself on the back for a job well done..
Nice Move883
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