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42 Things You Secretly Wish You Could Do After A Breakup

42 Things You Secretly Wish You Could Do After A Breakup

  1. Drive past his house without him seeing you.
  2. Hourly.
  3. Watch him from your car during his intramural soccer games and shout obscenities at any female who happens to stop by. Bitch.
  4. Send “please love me again” cupcakes, which he accepts, no questions asked.
  5. “Hi! Just, uh, dropping by to give you these. Oh, just some cupcakes with love potion and my hair in them, so…enjoy.”
  6. Send him pictures of the two of you at various locations, together and in love.
  7. Key his car with your anniversary date.
  8. Have sex with him that’s so good, he takes you back.
  9. Present him with a PowerPoint outlining all of the reasons you were perfect together.
  10. Make him promise that he will not, under any circumstances, hook up with one of your friends.
  11. Or sisters.
  12. Or any female. Ever.
  13. Consider allowing him to become gay. Maybe. But only if it becomes a “Girls” situation and you end up being best friends.
  14. Force him to move to the other side of the country and deactivate his Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
  15. Or get him to post hourly updates on what he is doing and how miserable his life is now.
  16. Eat a steady diet of pizza, ice cream, and ribs in your sadness, while actually losing weight.
  17. And going up a cup size.
  18. Win custody of all of his friends in the breakup battle.
  19. Including all of his fraternity brothers.
  20. What’s that? You become sweetheart of his fraternity? I mean, I guess. If you insist.
  21. Delight in it when his penis just falls off. Like that. Because you’re not there to love it anymore.
  22. …and when his “backne” returns in full force.
  23. …and when every girl he talks to suddenly contracts really bad breath. And herpes.
  24. Like his little sister’s #WomanCrushWednesday post. Because it’s you.
  25. Strike a deal with all of the local bouncers, ensuring he is no longer welcome at his favorite bars.
  26. #YouCantSitWithUS
  27. Accept an invitation to Sunday brunch, because his mom suddenly had a change of heart and decided she actually does like you.
  28. Every week.
  29. Report his ass to the authorities and watch him get thrown in jail for STEALING YOUR HEART AND THEN BREAKING IT INTO A THOUSAND FUCKING PIECES.
  30. Nod, emotionlessly, as his best friend tells you that he’ll never find a hotter girlfriend.
  31. Nod, emotionlessly, as his dad tells you that he’ll never find a hotter girlfriend.
  32. Adopt his dog, because it instantly stopped liking him.
  33. Start a life with his childhood best friend, who professed his love to you and insisted you be together.
  34. Or just hang out with a really hot guy who will make your ex jealous.
  35. Jam out to the song his favorite band or musician wrote about you and how dumb he was for dumping you.
  36. Oh wait. That’s Taylor Swift. Let’s just pretend his favorite musician is Taylor Swift (and if that’s the case, honey, it’s a good thing the two of you ended things).
  37. Post a #ThrowBackThursday of the two of you, which will naturally get more than 100 likes.
  38. Change your relationship status to “single” on Facebook and respond nonchalantly when the whole world is outraged.
  39. Including Beyoncé. Especially Beyoncé.
  40. Ship him off to an island for horrible human beings where they can’t have sex, alcohol, or happiness. Ever.
  41. Stare down at him from your window, where he is standing (in the pouring rain, duh) with flowers, a boom box, and a puppy in a bow tie, begging for you to come back.
  42. You say no, obviously, because any guy who thinks, even for a second, that you’re not worth it is no longer worth a second of your time. Sorry, his loss–but you will take the puppy.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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