1. A woman is most likely to cheat during ovulation.
   This is ironic, because, you know — babies. 
2. And she’s also more likely to orgasm then, too.
   This is where The Maury Show comes in, because being a disloyal whore never felt so good.
3. Chocolate contains the same feel-good chemical responsible for the ecstatic feeling you have when you’re in love (oh, and getting laid).
   Between sex and chocolate, I’d pick Hershey’s.
4. Most guys reach their sexual peak between the ages of seventeen and eighteen.
   This is funny because that’s also the age when they last between seventeen and eighteen seconds.
5. During sex, in addition to the genitals and boobs, your nose also swells.
   Does this penetration make my nose look big?
6. White women are the most likely to engage in anal sex, particularly if they have a college degree.
   Oh. Okay. I feel like this is a setup. Is someone trying to target us? I’m looking at you TFM.
7. Sex burns off about one hundred calories per session.
   Finally, an excuse to skip the gym. LOL, like we needed an excuse.
8. Literally half of all women find it impossible to enjoy sex with a guy who has a small…brain.
   Talk intellectual to me, baby. 
9. Only thirty-two percent of men share this problem.
   Oh, you mean a doctorate won’t impress him, but double Ds will? Noted.
10. Most men under forty years old can achieve an erection in less than ten seconds.
    And then they spend the next ten minutes hoping that you notice it.
11. Women consider penis size the ninth most important feature for a man. Men rate it in third place, because they don’t get it.
    Everyone knows the only “size” a woman cares about is his wallet size.
12. Seventy-five percent of guys jizz within three minutes of penetration.
    Thanks for the 180 seconds of humping, guys. It was a, uh, blast.
13. During an average man’s lifetime, he will ejaculate approximately seventeen liters of semen.
    Just in case you hadn’t projectile vomited yet today.
14. A third of all women over eighty years old still have sex with their #MCM.
    You’re welcome, gents.
15. Australians are the most accepting of the coveted threesome — and twenty-eight percent of them have tried it.
    That’s it, ladies. Let’s start a “shredding men’s passports” movement.
16. Fifteen percent of adults have gotten it on at work.
    I mean, if Don Draper was my boss, like, I get it.
17. Greek couples have sex an average of 138 times a year, placing them at the top of the world sex league.
    NO TIME FOR GEEDS CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, OF THE WORLD.
18. Thirty percent of women swallow every time they blow their guy.
    They make the other seventy percent of us look like assholes. 
19. Half of all women have sex by the third date.
    It’s the oldest story in the book: he put down and you put out. #classic
20. At any given time, twenty-five percent of people are daydreaming about sex.
    What? Sorry, I was spacing out. Just thinking about…stuff…
21. Most people do it in their car a grand total of six times.
    Oh, high school. <3
22. The amount of wet dreams a guy has increases with the number of years he spends in formal education.
    Be sure to wear scrubs to bed if you’re banging a doctor. Things might get…messy.
23. There used to be a law that allowed guys to “return their wives” if they found out they were not virgins.
    “I was half a virgin when I met him!”
24. People are most likely to tell a lie in bed.
    Pillow talk? More like a bed of lies and deception!
25. Men find women with enlarged pupils more sexually attractive.
    Hey buddy, my eyes are up…oh. Well. Shit. 
26. Seventy percent of people have fantasied about someone else while doing the deed.
    Well, that explains why he keeps calling me “Nancy” in bed.
27. One in ten European babies is conceived in an Ikea bed.
    Never going to Ikea again.
28. A female ferret will die if she doesn’t have sex for a year.
    Who decided this? The male ferrets?
29. The founder of Match.com, Gary Kremen, lost his girlfriend to a man she met on Match.com.
    I mean, that proves he did a really good job though, right?
30. About half of Americans lose their virginity by the age of seventeen.
    And if there weren’t candles, a burt CD, and crying, then did it really even happen?
31. Sex actually makes your hair shinier and your skin glow.
    Now these are the types of things they should have told us in health class. Pass the penis, please.
32. Seventy percent of men refuse to have sex if a girl is on her period.
    This proves that men are actually monsters.
33. Even though orgasms are a great way to relieve period pains.
    You had ONE job, guys.
34. The black widow spider eats her mate during or after sex. She doesn’t stop there, though! She can eat as many as twenty lovers in a single day.
    Get in line, you delicious, carb-filled boys.
35. Forty-eight percent of women have faked an orgasm.
    Guys, if it took you two minutes to get off, I can promise you that her “satisfied moans” were Oscar-worthy sounds of deception.
36. But, plot twist: So have forty-eight percent of men.
    Well, my self esteem just plummeted.
37. People who are into kinkier sex might be psychologically healthier.
    Excluding Christian Grey.
38. A blow job is the number one sexual act desired by men.
    It couldn’t have been giving back massages?
39. The hotter the room, the better the orgasm.
    Because nothing says “sexy” like BO and sweating all over each other.
40. Doctors used to treat “hysteria” in women by getting them off with vibrators.
    I mean, it worked though, right? Where can I sign up?
41. Sex actually relieves headaches.
    This kind of screws us out of that excuse. Literally. Thanks a lot, science. 
42. In the twelfth century, marriage was a business arrangement, not a romantic statement.
    Hello, Frank and Claire Underwood.
43. Women used to use crocodile dung, honey, mercury, sneezing, and jumping backward as contraception.
    Pretty sure it was contraception, because the idea of putting animal shit in your vag was enough to make most women swear off sex forever. Thanks for the idea, but everyone knows that the best way to avoid pregnancy is with the pull and pray method. Or maybe that’s the best way to get accidentally pregnant? Whatever, same thing.. 

[via Lustability, Huffington Post, MTV, Random Facts, Sheknows, Enkicharity, The Friskey, realbuzz.com]

Image via Shutterstock

This column was originally published on February 16, 2015.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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