Recently, I was given the task of finding a purple dress for my cousin’s wedding on July 5. I thought to myself, “No big deal, purple is a pretty common color. Shouldn’t take me but one trip to the mall!” I can’t remember the last time I seriously “shopped” for anything, so I grabbed my roommate and we headed to the mall.

Lord, I forgot how shitty shopping is. I almost feel like I’m breaking girl code by admitting how much I hate shopping. But, if we’re all being honest, it’s the worst. Is there any other way where you literally pay to feel bad about yourself? At least the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is free. Also, a big “go fuck yourself” to those who say shopping is NOT cardio, because it’s more exhausting than 30 minutes on the elliptical any day of the week. After searching for hours with no luck, we both collapsed with Auntie Anne’s pretzels in our hands, and we both said with a yawn, “I fucking hate shopping.” No matter who you are, you have definitely thought some of these things while shopping.

1. “Why is there never any parking? Has the entire world decided to go shopping today?”
2. “I’ll check out Forever 21. They usually have cute stuff.”
3. “Lord almighty, it looks like a club and a thrift shop had a child and it threw up in here. Where the fuck do I even start?”
4. “Oh, that’d be cute if it didn’t look like what I throw up the morning after drinking.”
5. “Ooooh, crop tops. I really need a crop top to go with that maxi shirt I just got a couple weeks ago.”
6. “Okay stop, I need a dress, not thousands of crop tops.
7. “Well, ONE crop top never hurt anybody, right?”
8. “Alright, that was a bust. There has to be a dress in this God forsaken mall, right?”
9. “How the fuck am I a large in one store but a small in another?”
10. “This is why celebrities have personal shoppers.”
11. “HASN’T THIS STORE HEARD OF GIRLS WITH HIPS?”
12. “Would a shift dress look good on me?”
13. “I’m never eating again.”
14. “Do I shop in women’s or juniors’? What age do you make the switch?”
15. Answer: when you think you’re looking at baby prostitute clothes, you might need to shop in women’s.
16. “Why are florals a thing right now? All I want is a solid color dress.”
17. “Also, who made the law that all cute dresses must be maxi dresses? Do designers forget that short people exist, too?”
18. “This isn’t horrible, I guess.”
19. “This one would be cute if I didn’t plan on doing keg stands.”
20. “Oh I love–shit, you can see my butt cheeks. Next.”
21. “Well, half the mall down and no dresses. Is it possible to suck at shopping?”
22. “I wonder if Macy’s has that Free People dress I saw online.”
23. “WHY SHOW IT ONLINE AND SAY IT’S IN STOCK NEAR ME IF MY STORE DOES NOT CARRY FREE PEOPLE?”
24. “What’s that? Holy crap, Abercrombie, are you trying to make me never breathe again?”
25. “Why is it so crowded? Shouldn’t people be at the beach or something?”
26. “I hate humanity.”
27. “Oh, my God, sales lady, please just let me brood over how I can’t find anything. Stop trying to help me BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT.”
28. “If I have to take off my clothes to try on ONE MORE THING, I’m going to scream.”
29. “The things I’d do for a burrito bowl right now.”
30. “Are burrito bowls healthy? I could live without sour cream or cheese…”
31. “But what’s a life without cheese? An empty one.”
32. “Okay, focus. Francesca’s always has cute stuff–they have to have something.”
33. “$200 FOR A PIECE OF FABRIC?”
34. “But it’s so cute…i’ll just put it on hold.”
35. “Children are gross creatures. Why is that mom just letting it crawl on the floor?”
36. “Oh, my God, this dress is actually so cute, it’s probably not–DEAR JESUS THEY HAVE MY SIZE!”
37. “Oh yay, I love the lighting in this dressing room…said no one ever.”
38. “Awesome. Yes. God. This looks so good.”
39. “A 10-person line and one cashier? This is what my hell is.”
40. “Oh, I do need sunglasses, though.”
41. “Do people wear lip gloss still? Is it wrong for me to buy this?”
42. “I’m never going shopping again.”
43. “Where the fuck did I park?”

Nice Move603

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

• @HakunaMoscato