Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I love weddings. I mean, I really love them. I watch “Say Yes to the Dress” on the reg, and my wedding board on Pinterest is categorized by price, color, and season (as it should be). I damn near cry with joy when the real thing rolls around. The dancing, the dresses, the embarrassing toasts — I eat it all up. Plus what better reason for you and 150 of your closest friends and family to get together, than to celebrate your legal and spiritual binding to the person you’ve already been living with for the past two years, am I right? Weddings are great. Except when they’re not. Every now and then you get that dreaded invitation in the mail: The “Ashley and Mark would lose their friggin minds with happiness if you’d make the five-hour drive home to celebrate their nuptials in a pimped up barn.” type of invitation. Fabulous.

Whether because this is your high school bestie, a random cousin, or some family friend who felt obligated to invite you, you decide “what the hell,” and decide make the trip.

1. *driving up to the church* I wonder if God is okay with me being here after that one after-finals bar crawl?
2. Whatever. Jesus drank wine.
3. Oh wow, guys. Shabby Chic theme? Are we really still doing this?
4. Stop trying to make burlap happen. It’s not going to happen.
5. “OMG HEY KRISTIE! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE GRADUATION!” this is a conscious choice…
6. Please, Lord, just let my parents get here already so no one weird sits beside me.
7. Really, Dad? Do you have to speak to everyone in the church??? Come on. Sit.
8. Oh thank God, it’s starting…
9. Thirteen bridesmaids? What in the actual hell, Ashley.
10. Cowgirl boots with bridesmaids dresses? Never seen that one before…
11. …
12. …
13. …
14. Seriously, how long is this going to last?
15. I can totally see Ashley’s mom’s nipples in that dress.
16. That kiss. I swear Mark was trying to eat the bottom half of her face off.
17. *prissy clap*
18. Never been more turned off by a kiss in my whole life, and I’ve seen some shit.
19. Come on, Mom. We’re leaving.
20. Faster. Walk faster. I need food and booze.
21. I’m totally making my little sister DD.
22. The reception is how far away?
23. Would the wedding favor happen to be gas reimbursement?
24. *pulling up to venue* Hand-painted wooden signs, huh?
25. “Together forever.” We’ll see.
26. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO OPEN BAR?
27. That’s it. I’m ending it. It’s been a good run.
28. Whatever, I have a flask in my trunk.
29. Oh no. Not a choreographed first dance. Anything but that.
30. What have I done to endure this?
31. *pulls from flask*
32. I wonder how drunk I’ll need to be to hit the quan.
33. Greatest best man speech I’ve ever heard. NOT.
34. *pulls from flask*
35. Oh no. Not the emotional maid of honor speech.
36. “You’re my best friend” Right, Leslie. Except that time that YOU made out with the groom after prom. But that’s none of my business.
37. *pulls from flask*
38. “All the single ladies gather to catch the bouquet!” *sigh* I guess. If I have to.
39. BACK THE HELL UP, KRISTIE. THAT BOUQUET IS MINE.
40. Yes! I got it! I’m next! Ring by spring, bitches!
41. *watches couples dance from the sidelines*
42. *pulls from flask*
43. Forever alone..

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Typical bitch. Lover of red wine. Perfecter of the side eye. I play Broadway show tunes out loud in the gym. My brunch order is Chicken & Waffles.

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