43 Thoughts You Have When Alumnae Speak At Chapter


  1. This better be a quick chapter.
  2. Wait, who’s that woman up front?
  3. The one with the bad roots.
  4. She’s not a sister, is she? Have I met her before? Maybe whilst blackout?
  5. Oh God.
  6. She’s standing up.
  7. An alum.
  8. Definitely should have pregamed.
  9. Yes, I know how honored you are to be here.
  10. No, I don’t care about how the sorority is still benefiting you today.
  11. This bitch was president, hands-down.
  12. Or maybe head of standards.
  13. Oh, she’s talking about her new baby.
  14. She probably just got a new mini-van too.
  15. To match her bad highlights and obnoxious engagement ring.
  16. Is this my future?
  17. A baby, mild alcoholism, and a mini-van?
  18. I really think I’m more of a Jeep kind of girl.
  19. But I could live with a mild wine problem. Maybe a baby, too.
  20. Hell, that nearly happened last month.
  21. Wait, how old did she just say she was?
  22. Shit.
  23. She’s only four years older than I am.
  24. I’ve already peaked. It’s all downhill from here.
  25. Oh no. There’s another alum.
  26. Aaaannnnnd she has a cane.
  27. We’re going to be here awhile.
  28. Did I turn my hair straightener off?
  29. And did I submit that English paper?
  30. This grandma better hurry the hell up.
  31. I hope Starbucks is still open after this.
  32. Oh, look. She finally made it up front.
  33. Aw. Her name is Gertrude.
  34. Wait. She’s actually kind of cute.
  35. Definitely still has a mild wine problem, though.
  36. Making our founders proud, till the day she dies.
  37. Which may be soon, by the looks of it.
  38. Gertrude probably raged back in the day.
  39. Maybe that’s why we have the bylaw about not painting the house blue.
  40. Oh my God.
  41. Did she just say that she left us cookies in the house?
  42. I guess alumnae aren’t that bad after all.
  43. Gerty, you’re the real MVP.

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PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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