First dates. Gag. My hands are getting clammy just thinking about them. I wish we could just skip the whole, “tell me about yourself, what’s your life story, how many kids do you want, when are we getting married” thing and go right to the “let’s lie in bed and watch Netflix until our eyes glaze over” thing. But life isn’t fair, and as the old saying goes, “you have to give out lots of free milk samples before you can even think about purchasing a cow,” or something like that. So, naturally, we have to market our milk like it’s a part of our job. As a veteran dater (who has yet to acquire a ring) I have had my fair share of romantic fails. As my good deed of the day, I’ve decided to open my relationship wounds and share with you some of the biggest first date fails. This way, you can avoid a lifetime of loneliness where, eventually, your 14 cats will kill you in your sleep and eat your face off. Yeah, enjoy the visual.

1. Dress like a nun, and remember, don’t let your ankles show!
2. Eat off of his plate.
3. Actually, just eat his entire meal.
4. Talk about your cat a lot.
5. You know what? Just talking about your cat at all will do the trick.
6. Dress like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” before our man Richard picks her up.
7. Talksomuchyouliterallydontbreathatall.
8. Or be mysterious and don’t say a word. Like, at all.
9. Bring snacks in your purse (bonus points if you don’t offer him any).
10. Live tweet the date.
11. Talk about your ex.
12. Get in the car and say that the hourly rate is $150. (Just kidding, we’re worth way more.)
13. There’s really no point in shaving before the date. Or the week before. Guys like natural.
14. FaceTime with your mom and introduce her to her new son-in-law.
15. Pass a movie poster and cry, saying you saw that with your ex-boyfriend.
16. Make sure to text your friends the entire time to keep them up to date.
17. Check in with him on Facebook and label it “The First Date on the Way to Forever.”
18. Don’t offer to pick up the check. It should be assumed that he’s paying for the rest of his life.
19. Don’t eat because you’re on a diet. Politely ask for water with no lemon and watch him eat a steak with disgust.
20. Also, be sure to talk about your diet extensively.
21. Say that your favorite television show is “Pretty Little Liars.”
22. Emit bodily sounds. Don’t make me explain more.
23. Discuss, in depth, just how sad you were when *NSYNC broke up.
24. Ask him what he wants to name the kids.
25. Tell him you think it’s time to discuss where this relationship is going.
26. Cry.
27. Decline his offer for candy and tell him it will go straight to his ass.
28. Bring your best guy friend on the date as a buffer. (You guys only made out, like, twice so it’s not a big deal.)
29. He doesn’t need to talk about himself.
30. If he tries to touch you, yell “stranger danger” at the top of your lungs. I’ve seen “To Catch a Predator.” Don’t mess around with that.
31. Pay in all singles and say that’s the usual means of currency in your line of work.
32. Bring an overnight bag with you, just in case.
33. Chewing with your mouth closed is for 18th century women.
34. If you’re wearing a skirt, be sure to sit with your legs wiiiiide open, so he can get a view of the goods.
35. Sleep with him on the first date. Always.
36. Ask if he’s circumcised.
37. Make sure to leave some stuff behind to mark your territory, such as underwear, shoes, or birth control.
38. Show him the pictures you took of your teeny tiny dog dressed up as a cop.
39. And a firefighter.
40. And a ballet dancer.​
41. Tell him you think he should work on making more time for you.
42. Ask him why he “liked” a girl’s picture from 2007, despite the fact that the two of you are not Facebook friends yet.
43. Above all, make sure he knows you think he’s the one. All you have to do is gaze into his eyes and let him know that from the second you met him–three days ago–you knew this was going to be a “forever” relationship. Keep me in mind when you send out your save the dates, and remember, you have to book early if you want to get The Plaza!

Nice Move363

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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