1. You’d rather wear diamonds than pearls.
2. You don’t wear oversized t-shirts in public. You get dressed for class.
3. There’s a good chance you joined your sorority for the parties.
4. Your boyfriend is obsessed with his car, and it’s not a truck. Thank God.
5. You haven’t monogrammed anything since your Jansport backpack in the fourth grade.
6. “Ma’am” is an insult. It means you’re old.
7. You call your parents’ friends by their first names.
8. Leopard print > Lilly.
9. You had no idea that the north and the south were still at war until that girl from West Virginia told you so.
10. You believe South Jersey to be where the “slower lower” begins. Delaware might as well be Arkansas.
11. When someone tells you she’s a virgin, you assume she’s lying.
12. Just kidding. No one has ever told you she was a virgin.
13. You probably have at least one foreign grandparent, and you definitely have at least one foreign great-grandparent. Your mind is blown when you meet someone who’s been here for so long that they don’t totally know their heritage.
14. Oversized handbags. Oversized sunglasses. Oversized men.
15. You love a good blazer moment.
16. It’s not that you don’t like wine, it’s just that vodka is so much faster.
17. You’ve partied at the Jersey Shore — and you liked it.
18. A remote weekend “away from it all” sounds absolutely fucking miserable. You can’t think of anything worse, in fact.
19. You wore high heels to high school.
20. You neither want, nor care about getting an engagement ring in college as long as you have his credit card. Plastic covers rock.
21. You’re not passive aggressive. You call a spade a spade, and a cunt a cunt.
22. Trophy wife? Yes. Housewife? No, no, no.
23. Every guy in your life pays for you when you’re out in public together, mostly because he’d be embarrassed to be seen in the same room as a girl’s wallet.
24. Your wardrobe is trendy, not matronly traditional.
25. You didn’t know that people still had debutante balls. That’s ridiculous. But you would have been seriously outcast if you hadn’t had worn a princess dress to your Sweet Sixteen (which took place in a wedding hall).
26. There are farms in your state. There’s a Target across the street from them, but they exist.
27. You know the torture that is walking to the bars wearing a strapless dress in 22 degree weather, but refuse to bring a coat, because that would be inconvenient.
28. You don’t think it’s weird for a man to wear jewelry.
29. Wawa is your safe haven.
30. You’d judge a girl more for baking for a guy who wouldn’t commit to her than for banging a guy who wouldn’t commit to her. At least she got something out of banging.
31. Pinnies are the holy grail of shack shirts.
32. If a guy called you “sweetheart,” you’d be grossed out. If a girl called you “sweetheart,” you’d punch her.
33. You like baseball more than football, but even then, there’s only one team you’d ever care to watch, and you’d never say otherwise to impress a guy.
34. Cold weather doesn’t mean “wear pants.” It just means you’ll be cold.
35. Your North Face isn’t a fashion statement. It’s the sweatpants of the coat world.
36. You wouldn’t go on a hike with a guy unless you were at least 89% sure your engagement ring was at the end of it.
37. If a guy expected your submission to him, you’d show him the door.
38. You have at least one friend who potentially has a mafia connection, and her older brother’s New York accent makes you swoon.
39. Most of your girl friends have brown hair. Most of your guy friends prefer that.
40. Blow jobs are for boyfriends. Before that point, the only orgasm you care about is your own.
41. Someone suggested your PR t-shirts say “Alpha Lush” instead of “Alpha Love,” and 70% of the chapter thought it was a good idea.
42. Not that you’d do it, and not that you wouldn’t, but if a guy didn’t even try to have sex with you while you were in his bed, you wouldn’t think he was a gentleman, you’d think he was weird.
43. You think bow ties look stupid.
44. You’ve carried a sister home from the bar, “Weekend at Bernie’s” style, and never, ever, EVER did the thought occur to you to call her to Standards. You didn’t even expect an apology. Just a promise that she’d do the same for you next weekend.
To read 37 Signs You’re A Southern Sorority Girl, CLICK HERE.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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